VOICES OF DEPRESSION

Dear Sweet Aladdin, my friend......there will be no tears in heaven.....we both must remember this while on our journey.

 

Oh, boy, these are good. I have had depression my whole life. I finally decided to go on anti-dipressants and it has helped so much. I don't really suffer anymore. If this helps anyone, that would be great.

Love, Sally

 

Just found this thread - so much of that hits so close to home.

Paul - I like what you said.

Bob

 

Your first post sounded like you were describing me. I know right now I am in a deep depression. I am hoping time will help as I adjust to my new life of being completly disabled...

 

Aaron (husb) says when he's depressed it's like he's "outside" of everything, watching life go by, not able to participate.

 

This also hit me close to home. I do not want to go the antidepressant route as I know the depression is simply due to the state I am presently in with meniere's. Once I am able to get some of my life back I am sure the depression will lift and I will begin feeling like myself.

 

good bump Charisse even tho it makes me teary to read again.
Hi Bob. Today is one of those days.

 

This is such a good thread. I ended up being hospitalized for my depression last winter. All my coping mechanisms didn't work anymore, and I couldn't get myself out of it. Even though I didn't like being hospitalized, I learned so much about depression that I never knew. I ended up in this state because I couldn't eat or sleep for a month. And I am a good eater and sleeper! I realized that there are many kinds of depression. I also learned that it really can be chemical and no amount of positive thinking will work for some. It is a REAL medical condition. This is the state I was in. I got so much help there and I got the information and medication I needed. I also learned that it wasn't my fault and that depression is not an accurate reflection of what is going on. I never knew this! Once I was able to really accept it, my life really began to change. I haven't felt this good for a very long time. I am glad I didn't turn away from help. I know this isn't everyone's story but it is so nice not to be depressed anymore and it helps with my symptoms. I have ringing but I don't focus on it anymore. Also, my family was wonderful, and it turns out that my aunt is bi-polar so we are best buddies now.

 

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I've dealt with it most of my life.  Runs in the family so it's chemical in nature.  I've experienced many facets of it.  Sometimes it feels like I am struggling in dark restless murky waters, I am deeply agitated and sometimes it's anguish and I'm trying so hard to come up for air, the sky is raging, and as my face comes up out of the water and I gasp for air, a hand shoves my head back under.  Then sometimes its like a large warm blanket and it covers me and blocks out anything from the outside coming in, and it's calm, and I don't fight it. 

It can just take the edge off interest in anything, coat my days a dull gray, and on the other end it can be torturous and hopeless and painful and I wish for everything to end.

I had a bit over a year without it.  It just disappeared, just like that.  I felt a high I have never experienced.  Every sensation felt so intense, everything, it was incredible! But I didn't recognize me and it was difficult on my marriage because he didn't recognize me either.  After 28 years together he was trying to figure out who the hell I was.  We weren't on the same playing field any more and so it wasn't always a good thing that I was feeling so good and he was in the same old frame of mind. Things got complicated. 

And I wanted to fly.  I'm not kidding, I had a craving to soar, as in strap the bungy cord around my ankles and let me jump. I don't know where that came from as I had never had an urge for that before.  But I couldn't convince my husband to come watch and be supportive, so I didn't, but the craving was so intense.

Fall came and so did my dark companion.  Little bit at a time, chipping away at what I had gained.  It's not the same this time around for the most part, which is better, and I feel that if it went away once, it can do it again.

 

I have been depressed with the family problems for years. And until recently I gave up hope. But even if I cannot cry anymore, it still hurts.

But things are getting better for me. I am now finding my own life path.

And we always have to seek our higher self in those time.

birdmom3

 

Butterfly....you are in my prayers tonight.

 

Titus Thank you so much for the prayers. The last few days have been rough. I feel like I am drowning in depression. I think I am going to have to see someone. I try to put on a happy face mask but inside I feel like I am drowning. I feel useless, worthless. Im a burden on others to drive me to appts. Im sorry to vent. My depression is due to me being disabled. I just cant seem to adjust no matter how I try.

 

I know for myself that I kept thinking that I would be able to adjust to MM, that I would be able to get my head around it, that someday I would adjust and I would be happy again. I tried so many things and nothing worked. When I finally went to Mass Eye and Ear and they had no answers, then I went to a psychiatrist because they realized (and then I realized) that it wasn't ever going to go away. And I had to stop listening to other people. Once I embraced that it wasn't going to get better, I was able to be open to other forms of treatment. It took me a really long time to get there, but I finally just listened to myself and my own pain. Noone else knew my pain better than me. When MEE asked me what my pain was from a scale of 1-5, I said 5. It was the first time I was really honest about how much agony I was in. I'm not depressed anymore, and I am so grateful.

 

Butterfly,
Try to hang on to hope. Where there is hope, there is help and where there is help, there is a new life waiting for you. It might not be what it was but it sure won't be what it is. It's a blessing for others who are able to help you. Let them help. Use every source of support you can find.
Kim

 

Thanks titus and artlover. I seen the oto agian today. Nothing he can do to help me except give me meds. I do have hope at times but then other times its overwhelming. I do think about what new life I could have and I know I need to accept my physical condition. Its just easier for me to say than do at the moment but Im trying. I think the depression has ramped up due to I am loosing my health insurance and disability income soon and its causing me of course alot more stress. Your right it is a blessing that others help me I should look at it that way. Thank you both for posting. I appreciate it more than you know.

 

Hang in there, Butterfly. Know that we know your pain. You will find an answer. A friend said to me once, pray for acceptance and it will come. That helped me alot because it let me off the hook. Once I let go, the answers started to come.