This week's devotions in These Days has centered on Ecclesiastes 3:1 - for everything there is a season. Monday, the day I had to put Dad in a nursing home, spoke of the changing of life's seasons, that all were not easy. I felt at peace that I had made the right decision. During this difficult week I have felt doubts and guilt. Yesterday dad seemed to "slip over the edge" into fantasy. When I got home from work yesterday and read the devotion for the day it was centered on Psalm 118:24 - this is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. The article went on to say after this verse - or weep and be sad in it for that matter. Yesterday was certainly a day to weep and be sad in it. This did give me some comfort in reminding me all days will not be joyful.
Re: This is the day! There will be trials and sadness, but God will always be available to hold your hand and give you His peace. Lorrie, you're in my prayers today.
Re: This is the day! The Ecclesiastes verses always speak to me. When my parents died, I realized they had once gone through just what I was going through. 'To everything there is a season'. It helps me to know that. I am glad it brings you some comfort at this difficult time.
Re: This is the day! Lorrie, I hope you will consider (if you don't plan to already) keeping this thread (or a separate one if you like) as a journal of your experience with your dad & his situation. So many people have gone through Alzhiemers already, but others are still facing it & ... well ... I just think this would be invaluable to them (& me). Sometimes a person is more willing to type out what's going on & what they're feeling than they are to speak in person about it. To have you journal this time in your & your dad's lives could help lots of others in the future. We all know sometimes difficult things are easier to deal with when you know you're not alone. Just a thought. Prayers for you & your dad.
Re: This is the day! Excellent idea Joy - it might help to put my thoughts down in print. Yesterday I went to the nursing home for the first visit with Dad in the locked unit. The residents were at lunch when I arrived - meals are served family style in this section of the facility. There are two tables for the residents separated by the kitchen island. Dad was the only man there. All the women were sitting quietly, blank expressions on their faces. Dad got up and of course asked if I came to take him home so I once again explained that he is there to stay on doctor's orders. I told him he needed to find his seat for lunch. I spoke briefly with the aides and they told me some never adjust to their situation and will continually ask when they are going home. I am sure this will be what happens in Dad's case. I could only spend a few minutes there as it is just too sad. The entryway to this facility is very open with a small den with fireplace. As I was leaving I could see the residents in this section visiting in the den, others were still in the dining area lingering over coffee and conversation. Upon exiting I noticed a few residents outside on benches visiting with family members. I barely made it to the car before I started to cry. Dad was always a happy, friendly person. He never said anything negative about anyone and I only saw him angry once - when my older brother decided to take the mattress off his bed and push his little sister down the stairs. Thank you all for your continuing prayers - this is so difficult.
Re: This is the day! Our church made some nursing home visits last June & I 'visited' with a guy who I recognized from one of our old church directories. His name was Mr. Batchelor & he'd been at the nursing home for ... oh ... several years at least. I sat with him & talked for a while & he watched as our kids did some songs & piano-playing ... then he started asking if I was there to take him home. He asked several times & I did the best I could to 'dodge' the question, but finally had to say it was time for me to go back to church. It was heart-breaking but I at least made it back to the church (& away from everybody else) before I started to cry. They can't take care of themselves outside the facilities - they have to be there for safety's sake. My grandmother died of alzheimers & my dad says he'll go that way, too. I've been told they don't 'remember' their pain for long - I mean apparently my Mr. B didn't sit for hours & dwell on not being home or spend his days miserable because he wasn't home. And after some point, they are just in a state of 'pleasant' confusion. As if that's any consolation ... I wish I could fix this for ya. :'(
Sad.. My mother has started into that journey.. although she won't admit it. Her mother had it for 15 yrs in a nursing home before she died, my moms sister was in a nursing home and died from it, now my moms other sister is in a nursing home bc of it.. It's hard. very very hard.
I planned to visit Dad today, was dreading it as he is only focused on someone taking him home, you can't really have a conversation with him. Upon entering the unit I was stopped by the clinical admistrator. She said Dad's doctor was just there and he asked the doctor for a ride to town, the facility is in town they so are not sure where he thinks he is. The doctor is prescribing an additional Alzheimer's med for him to see if there is any improvement. The clinical administrator explained that some patients adjust better if the family does not visit for a few weeks - gives the patient time to settle in. We discussed Dad's condition and I decided not to visit, she said he has not asked for me. She also told me that dementia is the worst possible way to die, went into detail of what his future will hold and it is just horrific to imagine. I don't want to be one of those people who puts their parent in a facility and then never visits but I can understand how this comes to be, especially when they reach a point where they don't recognize you or cannot speak. I cannot change the fact that Dad has Alzheimer's so am trying to accept this and try, try, try not to stress myself although it's not working so well as I came home from the facility with a splitting headache.
It would be very hard for me to stay away ... but I guess it kinda makes sense. I wish she wouldn't have told you the horrific details though. I know, sticking your head in the sand isn't going to make it all go away, but ... yeesh ... couldn't she have waited a bit until you've adjusted to the fact that he's there in the first place? On one hand, when they don't recognize you anymore, it would be logical not to visit them. On the other hand, sometimes the visit is for you as much as it is for them ... you want to be able to know in your heart that you didn't 'abandon' them. It hurts to see them that way, but I think I would have much more trouble living with myself for not visiting. We can just never know what's going on in their minds. Does he have any 'lucid' periods? My friend Diane took care of her mother for a long time - Alzheimers there, too. Diane would go for weeks of no recognition on the part of her mother. Then one day she walked in with Jim - her husband - & the mother said, "Why Jim! It's wonderful to see you!" To be honest, Diane wanted to club her over the head! She'd been there all the time, throughout all the bad stuff & daily chores without so much as an acknowledging glance, then the son-in-law comes in & it's happy family reunion time. (Diane hosts a well-attended Alzheimer's support group now.)
As with the death of most any loved one, we grieve when they leave us. In some cases, that grief begins at times like these. You know your dad is slowly drifting away. Prayers!
How's it been lately? Have you seen your dad? I had a long "therapy session" talk with mine yesterday. I could tell he was gettin overly weary again, so we talked for a couple hours & cried & talked some more. He said it helped. (I think this whole concept of a "good cry" is nonsense - I just feel wiped out afterwards.) Aaron's dad sat down on a step about 20 years ago & said "Helen, I think I need to go to the hospital..." the next minute he was dead. Brain aneurysm. My mother-in-law slipped on some ice on our porch about ... oh ... 7 years ago & broke her pelvis, etc. She was pretty well healed up from that - her happy energetic self getting back 'into' life - but had one pesky area on her leg that wouldn't heal. She was staying at a nursing home so that she could have the daily antibiotic injection when they found her on the floor of her room - apparently a blood clot or something like that. She may have had a moment of pain, but otherwise was taken from earth to Heaven in minutes. And our parents dwindle daily. Mom's been wanting to die for the past five years. Dad's been begging for just 'one more day' with her ever since she got bad ... & dying a little inside himself along with her. I really hate this ... I know you do, too. I know this isn't the "Joy Journey" thread ... just wanted/needed to get that all outa my head today. So how are you, Lorrie?
I went to the nursing home to see Dad on Saturday. When I arrived they were in the dining area just being served. I guess the meal times are later here than in the assisted living section where he was initially. At first he asked for a ride home and when told he had to stay there he just said "Oh". We talked a few minutes, he seemed happier and more content. When they served his meal I told him I was leaving and he said "when I am finished with dinner I'm going home" and I said "you mean back to your room?" and he said yes. Maybe he is adjusting. If we get to ask questions when we get to heaven I really want to know why my life had to fall apart so completely from meniere's that I was so unable to function for almost a year during which time Dad needed me so much and I was unable to help. In that year I can now see how much he has slipped away, how much I have missed. It's so unfair that menieres had to take an innocent life with it, it's bad enough that I had to deal with it.
Ya know, I expect once we get there, none of this will even matter. This is all just a 'blip' on the radar compared to eternity in Heaven. We do what we gotta do here ... take care of frail bodies & 'slipping' minds. Those things are inevitable because physical things have to die. Some 'die' easier than others ... & we wish for our loved ones to have the best & most wonderful & easiest of everything. Obviously that doesn't always happen. So ... as Christians we do the best we can. We have to focus on letting others see Christ through the way we handle all this garbage & bad stuff. We can't change a lot of it, so we have to use it to glorify Him to the best of our abilities.
We probably won't have to ask because we will know - only now do we see through the glass darkly. But from this side, I would love some answers too.
