I feel awful.

You're right, Loretta.

I guess I am trying to be tough and strong, but I am greiving right now. I feel a little like screaming, a lot like bawling. I hate being in a state I cannot control. I hate looking like a moron when I walk. I hate weaving like a drugged up louse. I hate that I am living with a little time bomb in my head.

Could this be something other than MM?

I keep going over Teresa's blurb.. and it all fits. No, I am not as severely hit as some, but there was the throw down incidents.. totally horrifying. Most don't seem to get that. The fullness in my ears... well, I don't know if I have that. I really don't. I hear constant buzzing, have for years.

It gets loud if I think about it, but generally, I have been able to condition my mind to block it out. I had it bad building up to the first throw down a few years back, and my ears filled.. horribly, for a long time.

This time, my head feels full. Hearing is hyper sensitive. looking at anything contrasting, bright, or jarring is murder, my balance is a nightmare, but I can cope with it, I get the swoons, but not all the time, and I cannot make my head spin by leaning one certain way, it just will, if I move too quickly, or back or forth.

Doc thinks it is viable. I don't know. I truly don't. I know what a full ear feels like, have had infections in my ENT my entire life. Miserable allergies.

The trigger I think for my first episode, when I think back, it began with a really bad reaction to mould spores in an air unit at my job. I had the worst time, almost had to quit my job. they cleaned it up, but shortly after, my tinnitus symptoms started, then the spins.. then the first throw down.

I saw the video guy's images in his advert. and have to admit I don't see waves in my vision. I have my vision sharply bump about, and my eyes tend to wander loosely, have to refocus sometimes, but it's not uncontrollable. I feel nausea, but then I am hungry, then it is back to nausea. I am floppy sometimes, other times, can navigate ok. In a moving vehicle, I am actually able to cope and feel minimal spins, able to see the road, that one spot seems to be ok.

My head feels heavy, and I will fall, make no mistake, if I lean the wrong way. I feel like a rag doll.

Dunno.. this is all old and new, all at once, and it is frustrating as hell. My faith in God will pull me through this, but I know I am gonna have to go through the cycle.

Well, I just am baffled. What did I do to myself to make this happen. And how do I make it so I can manage it.

I am reading about tubes, surgery, all this stuff, and it is greek. I don't really understand it all. I cannot seem to concentrate on what I am reading, so it is not really sinking in.

And I am not a stupid man... I just feel stupid.

Well, you are my angels.. and I believe in angels.. they carry purses and wallets, and spin like washers.



Dave.

 

Teresa.. thank you.. i can understand this stuff.. much better than the stuff I have seen thus far. Now things are sort of logical.

I hope that every newbie reads this. It should become thier introduction to what they are living with.

God bless.

Dave.

 

You have the Right to be mad, hurt, to grieve. It BITE the feeling of being out of control when you are so used to "Having Everything Under Control"
Remember No 2 people are going to have the same symptoms or same reactions to MM.

We are all SPECIAL and UNIQUE in our DizzyLand we all seem to share just the MM everything else Will and Does Vary from person to person.

Now I'm gonna get tough b/c thats what I did and like to drove myself CRAZY "What did I/You do to make this happen" Forget it b/c IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT ...

God has a purpose for us all and obviously having MM is something that each of us are to learn something from.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I forgot which UNIQUE person said that but I'm quoting them ...

You learn everything and all you can about it just as I did and so many others have ...

You said you are smart... You Can/Will Do It To

Just keep reading as many times as it take b/c as the "Brain Fog" subsides things start to come together...well til the next episode that is .... trying to make you smile

Don't keep looking at what you've lost. See and Use what You Have Left!

Dear Lord NOTHING will happen to me today that You and I can't handle!

God makes all appropriate in its due time
Trust God when there Is No Answers or The Ones You Get Don't Make Sense.
God brings you to a dead end so You will look up
He brings You to these problems so You will Trust He can and will solve them.
Trust God as he has you going through "Any" circumstance. Accept what God is doing in You and through You.

 

You very welcome Dave. For the Newbies to DizzyLand I did post what I've blurbed about "Aftermath" effects of an attack. However, had a bank of "Brain Fog" roll in and couldn't remember how to START a topic so it is posted under FATIGUE - Why am I so tired?? Menieres Database ...... You should see/feel my Brain Fog that's still rolling in I think have over used my brain ....lmbo

 

Teresa.. I am a big proponent of Tough Love.

Yes, fogged is an apt description of this lovely feeling of being disconnected from my mind. I guess I have to give myself the time to absorb... like Loretta said. I am pushing and pushing to do my normal life, but my body is not co operating.

Ok.. it's not my fault, but how do I know that something I did did not trigger this. No one knows how this happens, or why. They just know that it does. I guess I am going to need to do some soul searching on that.

I am, so far as I see, the first Canuck in these boards.. correct me pls, if I am wrong. Maybe that's my purpose.. to knock on the doors to my own land and open up some eyes.

I beleive, firmly in God's purpose. I truly do. I never would have made it this far in life without his guidance. If you read my little saying under my picture, you will see my favourite quote.

I guess I am grasping at straws.. trying to explain off the feelings I am having, trying to make it look like this is something that will clear up, and I am back in business. I might just be...so then why do I feel that is just not the right response, that I really am heading for disabilty. That scares the living hell out of me.

I want the light... but right now, all I see is tears and darkness, and a building rage.

Thanks for your prayers and the messages of hope. When I get too far down.. I have this to look at, ponder, and to keep me from doing something really stupid. Because it has crossed my mind. no worries, I won't. My faith won't allow that. I think that is the worst sin one can commit. Throwing life away when God gave it to you as a gift.... not in my lifetime.

Dave.

 

Read the quote you have under your lil UNIQUE guy and say it over and over and over everytime you have questions about why or what did I do ... I always thought "What did I do to deserve this?? I Never bothered anyone nor was I a mean person ........ Its what you have and you DO NOT know that you are going to be on disability.

You're thinking of things to worry about...Which Is Not Helping You At All

You will get through the Storm it may just take awhile, then again it could be over with in the blink of an eye ... Only God knows all the answers we UNIQUE people want/need to know.

Go for a break you are stressing over so much you have unfortunately no control over.
Read you lil quote <soft smile>

 

Dave you are not the only Canuck in here, I'm in good old "Steeltown" (Hamilton ) and there's a few more of us tooin fact 4 more that I can think of off-hand and I hope I haven't left anybody out.. I think a few of us pushed ourselves way too much this past week and are feeling it now. The headnoise has been much louder yesterday and today for me and today the balance is way off whether it'll pass or not,- who knows, you hope for the best and cope with the rest. Get THIS straight Bud,- you didn't do anything to cause this and repeat it over and over till you damn well believe it so stop beating yourself up thinking you did.. You may be able to find thinkgs that will trigger an attack such as certain foods or alergies stress, being over-tired etc. and if you can eliminate a trigger it will help but there are times that no matter how careful we are the beast will rear it's ugly head anyway. For me, stress and being over-tired are my two main triggers and I've been guilty of both this week.. Faith alone won't do it either so don't sit there waiting for God to get rid of this for you, ever heard the saying that God helps those that help themself ?? I wandered through the mall today hanging on to the shopping cart to hold me up hoping that nobody would notice that I was staggering like a drunk. Don't be afraid that you're heading for a disability, you might be heading for a different type of job down the road but all you have to do is read the posts in here and you'll see that others have travelled this road, and they were scared to death too. First you need that "down time" to sort of re-group and you're not getting that yet. My bed was my best friend for a long time and that's ok because I needed that time, sometimes you just HAVE to listen to your body because when the body gets mad and starts fighting back it can be very NASTY.. You're down about as far as you can go now so there's only one way left to go and that's UP.. We're all here for you and pulling for you so you just hang in and do what you can to help us.
((((((((((((((( Hugs ))))))))))))))) Loretta

 

Dave:

I am a full fledged Canuck now too, living justy north of Toronto.

Take care; we are here for you!

 

I know how you feel.When I work at the grocery store there would be times that the menieres would be messing with me real bad and had to fight through it and couldn't wait till it was time to go home.Hope you get feeling better.David

 

Dave
You have to get some treatment. How long have you had this. Is it one sided. I have same problems but getting much better with help of a good ENT. Happy to talk about it.

 

Loretta.. you a Hammy chick? Cool!

I know everything you say is right. I am at home today, the symptoms got bad. I ran outa Serc and Ativan, and was summarily sent to the clinic for more. The doc (my GP is not in, clinics are the bane of my salvation right now) took one look at my chart as she watched me decorate her treatment counter with water and half digested coffee. She said point blank, without missing a beat, that dirty M word. Told me a Neurologist would ferret it out, but she treats a lot of people with this, and my symptoms were atypical, which did not do much to cheer me up. Mentioned valium, she made it clear that wasn't going to happen, gave me some stuff to control the heavie jeevies, and upped the Serc. Today is a bad day, to be sure. I hear that train 'a comin', it's rollin' round the bend... between that, and this whole mad cow thing.. I managed to get to Hole-Mart and pick up a couple things. I just did not realize how goofy I looked until I approached a wall sized mirror and caught myself lurching towards it. Man, that was not good. The flouresent lights, all the activity, the damned intercom (there is a girl at the courtesy desk that is going to be taking a dirtnap if she dosn't stop the yelling.. LOL)

There is just not enough in me to work right now. My energy is gone. Kaput. I am just waiting this out. Not as bad as that last drop attack, but it's about a 4.5 on the richter scale. Yes... I tend to get very stubborn when I get sick. I get active, as a matter of fact, to show the illness who's boss. But I can't physically do this. I really can't. If I try, it just makes it more horrible.

I want to help someone feeling as bad as I do.. but I just don't have the know how to advise anyone on how to cope. I can't cope myself. I am so fully self sufficient it is not funny, but I am now not so able. I cannot even stand in the shower without tearing down the shower curtain in an effort to keep from splitting my head on the side of the tub. Bath is not an option in that tub. I't a couple weeks in, and I guess it is starting to sink in.... I have a disorder that is in control, and there is little I can do to stop it. Just wish people understood what this is like. I explain, over and over again, when people want to know if "I'm alright". They kind of pat my hand, say there there and look at me like an alien with three @$$holes on his face.

I am just going to grieve, wait to see what doc says what, and pray for rain. I don't want anger. It's a wasted emotion, and totally self destructive. Grief will have to do today. Sickening, a fourty one year old man sitting here, typing and wiping snot off the keyboard.

Sad.

I hope, sincerely, that someday Loretta, I can bring the kind of joy to someone else you have brought to me. I needed to be a little bit of a suck ass, not my usual way, and you just let me sling the snot, then kicked me in the @$$ and let me know the deal. That's usually my job.

Well, if I cry any longer, I think I am going to need to change my clothes.

Thanks doll.

Dave.

 

More than me, Andrea? Cool.

 

Thanks bryant99. It will pass, but not quickly.

 

cklaws, I am under the care of a physician, but this is not yet diagnosed, just suspected. It has the earmarks of Menaires but the one thing I don't have on this attack is that full ear. I had that the first time, but not now. Has me scratching my head. What I do have, I have in abundance. Doc told me full ear is not always a marker for Menaires, and Menairs does not always require it, either. I am still trying to figure out which way my head is supposed to be, and which tilt makes things worse. It appears to be both sides of my head, to be honest, but is seems a little worse towards the left. I bring my head up, the tinnitus and spins get a little worse. I have had it, suspected, for 8 years. I had two very violent throwdowns inthe last three years. What I am glad about is that I am not crazy. I am sick. Doctors kept telling me I was too stressed out, and to go hire a hooker or something.

Perhaps I should pay one to shoot them...LOL. I am coping.. I will make it through this. Just need time.

 

Hi Dave, I know what you mean about going to "Hole-Mart" I was there yesterday doing the old "wiggle-waggle walk-a-thon". I do have a wheel-chair for days like that but since we were going to bring home a t.v. there wasn't enough room in the back of the van for the chair and the t.v. too. Came home and just got supper on the table when the beast reached out and grabbed me but it was a mild one and I was back up and on my feet again by 10 p.m. I'm still wobbly today but was back out getting groceries. I've been up for a couple of hours and down for a couple of hours all day today, not that I really had to but because I need to. For me,- because of a herniated disc and a lot of pain, walking or being on my feet for extended periods is excrutiating.
Anyway, we have 5 kids, the oldest is 48 yrs. old and she's a grandmother herself now. The youngest is 41 and she's the mother of an 18yr. old Special Needs" child. I'm still wiping their snotty noses so what's one more?? My biggest fear is that one of my kids will have this dreaded thing, so far- there's no signs of it.
Yes, you ARE sick, and yes you ARE grieving and you know what ? You are allowed to we all do it just don't let the grieving take over your life it nearly did to me till a few people on here got on my case and and gave ME a good boot in the rear to get me back up and running again, between them and a good therapist. Of course I get madder than blazes when I know there's things I just can't do. I would love to be able to spend more time with the great-grand children but I just CAN'T do it. I"ve always loved the big family gatherings now it's just way too much noise now and too much confusion because my word association isn't that good. My motto used to be- "shop till you drop" but not anymore.. Accepting the fact that I have a chronic illness that I did nothing that caused it and the fact that I am forced to make life/style changes has made a big difference. In time you too will get to this point, we all do, sooner or later and it DEFINITELY is not an easy road to travel.. One day, you too will be sitting there pulling somebody else out of the quick sand. BTW- in the past 20 years, I have had one 6 year remission and 2- 3 yr. remissions, so hey,- there's always hope...
You just hang in and I hope that by increasing the Serc it will give you some relief.
Loretta

 

I am so zonked on the stomach meds and the higher dose of Ativan that I am barely caring about the upset stomach and spins... not exactly the fix I was looking for.

Loretta... can you knit? Do you find it helps? I want to know if anyone does things to try to focus off the attacks. I like to wrok on computers, for example, day and night, so I have a focus. Any input>

 

Dave,

Whatever works for you to help you cope, do it. If it means standing in front of a mirror trying to kick your own butt into submission so that you will actually rest and give your brain a break, so be it. Yes, it stinks to just sit or lay there. Think of your brain as a computer. What happens to a computer when it is overloaded with too much data at one time? It freezes up and shuts down, right? What do you do to keep this from happening? Know what the limits are of the hard drive and be selective in information that is downloaded, correct? Since you can't purchase a new hard drive for your brain right now (don't we all wish we could!) you have to protect what you have so you don't fry the circuits. The flickering computer screen or refresh rate that it is set to may be intensifying some of your symptoms. Tracy in Indy suggests logging everything you do, eat, experience to help get a handle on what your triggers might be. Since you work on computers all day long I wonder if the computers could be one of your triggers. What do you think?

 

bigg huggs for better days ahead

 

McCubbins ~ I am sorry that I have been behind in responding to emails but wanted to add something I didn't see here. I don't know how Canadian law works for employers but here in the US we have resources that an employee can turn to for help with the issues that you are having. Like take for instance your work station. Human resources can redo your work space to accomodate what is flaring up your symptoms, maybe even move you to a location where you can have natural light and not be exposed to floresecents and a quieter environment as well.

Also to note, I keep an anti-glare screen infront of my monitor. It also keeps down the flickering of the monitor which can also trigger dizziness. I have Migraine Associated Vertigo and MM and when I sit in front of the computer for any length of time, all's I have to do is turn my head or look around with my eyes to something else and it brings on dizziness.

Hoping you find out the causes of what is happening to you soon so you can effectively manage your employment

Sparrow