WTF happened to FPH (Adult)

Discussion in 'Your Writer's Den' started by Seadog, Aug 16, 2010.

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  1. Seadog

    Seadog Ambidextrous dumb-ass with out coffee

    WTF happened to FPH

    I bring this up because of a recent post I read about waxing and about something that occurred during our guy’s weekend last month.

    At the guys weekend (B.B.) we were watching the revenge of the Nerds. A bad PCP (Pre Cell Phone) movie but it did have some nudity. I personally think the bad movie to nudity ratio rates it a one-time viewing, at best.

    Anyway I wanted to spend time with the older nephews and this is what they were watching at the time. We had a horrible storm come though which dictated that we be indoors.

    The Nerds placed a camera (old VHS type) into the girls shower at a near by sorority house. The hole for the lens had to be 4 inches across, a huge hole for peeping I might add.

    At one point the Nerds captured some video of some partial full frontal nudity. The character played by the Caridine actor yelled, “we got bush”.

    All five of my older nephews from 18 to 32 leaned in to get a better look. I wasn’t sure at the exact moment what they were looking at, the antiquated technology or the girl. The scene kept flashing back and forth.

    One of the older Nephews said “Aha the fabled FPH”, The 18 year old said, “ I thought it was just a myth.” “Nope, there is video proof my young brother” said another.

    Right at that moment the younger kids came into the room and the channel was switched to a baseball game.

    I pondered the “FPH” comment for the rest of the day. Late at night when the younguns were in bed I asked the older nephews what “FPH” meant.

    The all laughed and said “Female Pubic Hair”

    These are all tall handsome smart guys. Three of them were collegiate athletes. Two of them are movie star handsome. I am proud to say that all of them where/are good students and very nice guys.

    I am also proud to say that although they had the looks to be very successful womanizers, none of them are.

    That being said they are not virgins either and have had a few relationships each. Two of them are now married.

    And none of them have ever seen FPH. Not only that, none of their friends have either. I didn’t ask about MPH shaving factor because, well, it was just too much information for me to take in at the time and I really didn’t want to know.

    I have been out of the dating scene for about 17 years, which is a snap in time in the life of a stone. But I definitely remember parting the waves, as it where.

    Sure, there where signs of obvious trimming back then, I mean hell, it made the job easier.

    In fact when a man reaches my age there is a certain amount of trimming necessary. Hair falls out where you want it and grows where you don’t. My wife found a 3-inch hair growing out of my earlobe the other day. I look in the mirror several times a day and never had seen this 3-inch hair. They must just popup over night. Plus you get some extraordinarily long hairs where as well you don’t want them.

    At one time the Hag would wait until I fell sleep and pull out a wild eyebrow hair. But we had to get a tool for this task or I would never get any sleep at all, plus the crazy ass hairs starting popping out in areas that I did not wish to experience a plucking.


    So I got a man trimmer. It is a cool little trimmer powered by a rechargeable battery. It has several attachments as to not injure yourself. Nose hair, man boob, eyebrow, scrotum, etc. I haven’t used all of them yet, truth is, I don’t know what the hell they are all for as I have since lost the instruction book.

    Anyway it emits a quiet and gentle bzzzzzzz sound.

    A few weeks ago I was about to do some man hair trimming when the Sea Hag came in. She said in a very sexy voice” Oh let me do that for you”.

    I dropped the trimmer and ran around the corner and plopped into bed. I got to tell ya I thought this was going to turn into a wonderful experience for the ole Cdawg. I had all of these fantastic images popping through my mind as I laid there in my none- trimmed nakedness.

    Then I heard a loud metallic electronic SNAP it sounded like a circuit breaker had just popped. The SNAP was followed by a very loud, ARRRRRRRR sound.

    I knew that sound. It was her old 220 volt AC trimmer one of the ancient ones that can whack out an entire hedgerow.

    I quickly sat up and looked towards the bathroom then I glanced over at her giant dumbass dog. He had sat up as well and his ears were straight up over his head and completely opened up, he was also looking at the bathroom.

    Then dog then looked at me and at the same time we looked at the door that exists the bedroom.

    We both bolted.

    We actually got caught in the doorway for a few moments he was wining and snapping at my nakedness and me, I was slapping at his head.

    When we broke loose he dove behind the couch which is no small feat. He pushed the couch two feet from the wall as he crawled behind it.

    I have way too much dignity to do something like that, plus there wasn’t any more room behind the couch, I checked. I went into the laundry room grabbed some shorts and headed out back. Once the dog figure out my escape plan he left his hidey-hole and was barking and pawing at the glass door for me to let him out. I flipped him off.

    This brings me to last weekend at the lake.

    We had several guests my niece, her two boys, and her best friend. As a rule we can sleep many people but if we have to delegate a room per person we can get into trouble pretty quick.

    The Hag and I have our own rooms for a few distinct reasons. Not to worry my friends we meet up at my room for fooling around time.

    Her room looks like grandma’s cottage, tidy and neat with doilies, wall pockets, antique frames and picture of our life at the lake.

    My room looks like, well like me.

    The rooms are too small for a king size bed and I need at least a queen size for myself.

    And finally and most importantly she lets her dog sleep on her bed. This is the second dog we have gone through over the 10 years at the lake and the previous one was allowed on her bed as well. When I am not in attendance this makes her feel safe, as the crazy bastards would definitely kill any stranger that comes near her.

    I have pet allergies cannot tolerate a cat or dog on my bed or even in my room and to tell you the truth I just dont like them very much. The only animal aloud in my room is, me. Neither of our dogs has ever tried to get in to our bed at home, just the lake house.

    No pets are ever in my room. Ever, except this past weekend and without my knowledge.

    My youngest grand nephew is a screamer. I will not discipline other people’s kids except on the boat or if they are doing something dangerous, nor do I give advise on raising them. But to allow this child to scream like that is completely beyond my comprehension.

    When he started I would just head out of door’s as fast as possible. Once on the deck he let out a scream that created a cloud of birds exiting the area.

    I had a plan though. On Saturday when he started screaming I was going to sneak into my room and lay down on my good ear and thus eliminate all sound and get a good nap in as well.

    Now remember there are never any pets in my room, so when I opened the door to my room and Hags crazy ass dog leapt out of “my room” it scared the living shit out of me.

    I jumped back into the wall behind me, which is also the wall of pictures.

    Eight big frames smashed to the floor, shattering the glass and busting up the frames.

    As the Hag was trying to capture her dog and stop the mayhem his appearance created, I went to the pantry to get a broom and dust pan.

    When I opened the pantry my Son jumped out at me with his hands raised high and yelled BOOOO.

    They were playing hide and seek with the 2-year-old screamer.

    As a general rule people don’t jump out of the pantry at me, so this also startled me and made jump back.

    I jumped back into and knocked over the end table that held several beverages, chips and a bowl with about 12,000 Skittles in it. If you ever want to know how they came up with the name Skittles for a candy. Take a handful of them and throw them onto a hardwood floor. They literally skittle about like they are alive.

    I left the end table mess to the Hag and her niece while my son and I cleaned up the glass and broken frames. The dog had somehow disappeared.

    After the destruction was all cleaned up and things where kinda back to normal, I went back to my room to take my nap.

    And that fucking dog jumped out at me again.

    Luckily for me no more pictures fell off of the wall as I impacted the hallway wall for the second time in 20 minute.

    At this point I was quite convinced someone was trying to kill me by, cardiac arrest.

    I left the house to go to the lake and check out a FPH theory I was working on.

    I wore a very dark set of shades as to help me discreetly look and help me with my theory.

    Now when I was a kid FPH was packed into the bikini bottom of a swimsuit and created a poofy area. Poofage as it where.

    I/we (being boys and apparently some girls) loved poofage. A summer gold mine was seeing an arrant FPH that had escaped the bikini bottom. This was called spider legs.

    So I went down to the lake. As I know everyone it was no surprise to see me going from boat to boat talking with the people from the neighborhood. What they didn’t know was that I was on a poofage reconnaissance mission.

    Of all the girls I saw and talked to that were not in the water app. ten of them, there was not any sign of poofage at all. The bikini bottoms looked flat, like they were on a Barbie doll.

    So that brings me back to the original question.

    WTF happened to FPH?

    When and who are these young girls taught this new hygienic practice by. Surly, not their moms or High School health class,,is it?
     
  2. lulu48

    lulu48 New Member

    Jeez dawg, where to begin! First of all you should take Seahags 220 volt clippers when she's not looking and bury them in the back yard so she won't be able to do any 'manscaping' on you! Second, put a bell around that dogs neck so you know where he is all the time and he can't scare you into an early grave! And finally, you might as well give up looking for poofage (FPH) those days are long gone for a lot of women. The Barbie doll look is in!!
     
  3. pardonme

    pardonme Guest

  4. burd

    burd New Member

    Times they are changing my friend, and trends come and go. Looks like FPB has gone the way of bellbottoms and disco.
     
  5. corona

    corona New Member

    You don't see much MPH either!
     
  6. jim1884again

    jim1884again advocating baldness be recognized as a disability

    "poofage"?
    jeez dawg, you do got an appealing but peeeculiar sense of humor!
    my response, WTF do I know, I'm a breast man and those haven't been de-poofed in cinema
     
  7. pardonme

    pardonme Guest

  8. jim1884again

    jim1884again advocating baldness be recognized as a disability

    I thought there had been a lot more "poofing" than "de-poofing"--I have only known about 2-3 de-poofers where as plastic surgeons are making a fortune off the augmentation--but I am no expert
     
  9. Seadog

    Seadog Ambidextrous dumb-ass with out coffee

    I, am, an, expert!
     
  10. burd

    burd New Member

    I can spot a pair of poofed fakes half a mile away. Not pretty. A guy friend of mine calls them FrankenBoobs.
     
  11. Seadog

    Seadog Ambidextrous dumb-ass with out coffee

    They dont scare me near as much as you may think.
     
  12. pardonme

    pardonme Guest

  13. Seadog

    Seadog Ambidextrous dumb-ass with out coffee

    Really? I would had thought elongated scrotum would be number one.
     
  14. pardonme

    pardonme Guest

  15. Artlover

    Artlover it's a crazy world.

    Seadog, this is so funny. I didn't finish but I got the picture. Thank you for getting me to laugh out loud today as my computer died and then my cell phone died. But I have revived the cell phone. L, Sally
     
  16. Seadog

    Seadog Ambidextrous dumb-ass with out coffee

    I wasn't talking about me, but I will have you know Smoochy that an elongated scrotum is nothing to laugh about. They are impossible to shave I might add.
     
  17. pardonme

    pardonme Guest

  18. amberini

    amberini New Member

    Maybe you could have a little nip/tuck...
     
  19. Seadog

    Seadog Ambidextrous dumb-ass with out coffee

    I ah,,,my friend is thinking about that. He says its not for aesthetics he is just tired of sitting on the twins.
     
  20. pardonme

    pardonme Guest

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