VOICES OF DEPRESSION

Thank you for allowing me to share here. It gives me great hope that some day, some way, we'll find a cure for this disease.

Depression is something that is almost impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I visited some support groups and some online support chats and discussion forums for people dealing with depression. These are direct quotes from people responding to the question, “How does depression feel”? (this material comes from my book "Both Sides of the Couch" which is a work-in-progress.

“It feels like I have a bad case of the flu and jetlag. My body hurts all over and my head feels like it’s going to explode”.

“I don’t want to do anything even if it’s pleasurable. I have to push myself to do things I did joyfully before the depression”.

“I am tired of the useless tears that come and never seem to go. I’m just so tired of the fight I want to give up”.

“Sleep is the only relief I get from the pain and suffering”.

“My whole body hurts and my mind keeps racing. I’m tired all the time but I can’t sleep”.

“I hate myself and the way I feel”.

“Nobody could possibly understand how awful I feel and how much I want to get better. I’m in a nightmare”.

“Everything is such an effort. Life is such an effort. I am so hanging on the edge it’s scary”.

“I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. I have no energy. I have no life. I don’t know how people can stand to be around me”.

“I can’t concentrate, can’t remember names, can’t write, can’t think straight. My head hurts constantly and I’m angry all the time”.

“I used to be so positive and enthusiastic. Now all I feel is pain and sadness. I cry a lot”.

“I’m mad. People irritate me and it feels like everybody is out to get me. I hurt”.

“I’m stressed, worried, and sad. My body aches all over and I’m tired all the time.”

“My brain is messed up. Intellectually, I know God loves me, my family loves me, and I should be hopeful, but all I can do is cry”.

“I had no idea the physical symptoms that came with this disease. It feels like my legs weigh a thousand pounds”.

“The thought of cleaning the house, preparing a meal, or even taking a shower is more than I can bear”.

“I had to prepare breakfast for my daughter. When I picked up the cereal box it was empty. I burst into tears because I knew there was just no way I had the energy to scramble an egg”.

“My hair hurts and my feet feel like lead. I’m too sad to cry”

 

Such a good look into depression, the one thing I didn't know before was that depression hurts, your body aches and it feels like you just got done digging a ditch.

 

Depression can be living your life in limbo. You just can't move in any direction.

Haven't felt like this in ages. Bad side effect of the neurontin. Doctor thinks that the neurontin unmasks alot of hidden things. It gets rid of anxiety it seems and lets alot of other stuff take center stage. He is hoping that it wears off soon and this is temporary. So I get my balance back but at what cost. I hate feeling like this.

 

There's a commercial on TV about depression. It mentions the physical pain also.

Thanks, Kim.

 

I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. Getting through the day and sometimes performing mundane tasks requires great effort. My head is full of I Shoulds , but sometimes I just can't.

 

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I want to hide, I don't want anyone looking at me. I feel ugly. I want to crawl in a hole. I am a worm.

 

"Both sides of the couch" sounds like a wonderful work in progress Kim.

I often wonder who is 'stranger' ... the person who sees and hears all of the madness going on in the world around them yet with barely a thought they happily get on with it all, or the person who at times finds it hard to get up and get going because the madness is so very confusing and sad.

Lee

 

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Yes Diane, there is so much around us that tests our empathy and compassion. Little wonder that every now and then so many chose to just switch off the news, despite the fact that they want to be informed/active citizens. I know I flick that switch every now and then... or turn to sport or a comedy.

Is it that we cope by tuning out and feel depressed when we tune in? Well, I suspect this is where Philosophies like meditation come into their own. They are telling us that we have to learn to tune out of the outside world every now and again for our physical and mental health. So why is it there is a stigma attached to those who mourn the madness through depression? Are they the more humane souls who simply care too much?

I felt a lot better when I realised that bouts of the blues actually make a lot of sense, given some of the contradictions going on in the world today. And that those who suffer depression seem to be those who have a wonderful depth to their soul. But then I have finally learnt to 'switch off' and yet keep a hold of what I see as a sense of humanity/responsibility. So maybe it is just a matter of allowing ourselves to mourn every now and then, but then taking ourselves into our own care for a bit by 'tuning out'. That's what worked for me.

Lee

 

I have experienced two types of "depression". The first, is profound sadness, a sense of weariness, a sense of hoplessness, and a sense of loss. Then I've experienced the hell of a chemical imbalance that left me without the ability to read or to remember which day of the week it was. No amount of counseling or even pills could have pulled me out of that abyss. I was so lost because my brain was being bombarded with "chemical signals" that I was totally immobilized and almost to the point of being catatonic. Despair is a word that doesn't even come close because of the extreme physical pain that racked through my bones and the inability to reason. I was being physically tortured by the chemicals in my brain. Suicide was much too complicated to consider. My mind couldn't even wrap itself around the notion. People were having to lead me around, feed me, and put me to bed. The only thing that "brought me back" was shock therapy (ECT). It totally corrected the imbalance.

Lee, both sides of the couch deals with my having done graduate work in the field of psychology and then ending up as a patient. It explores my second guessing (correctly) the dx and coming to terms with bi-polar disorder and, eventually, defeating the daily fear it brought to my life.

There isn't a week that goes by at work when someone isn't "sent" to me (by someone who knows my history or maybe who just walks into my office) dealing with depression (theirs or someone they're close to). 90% of these poor souls (including people in the medical profession) don't seem to understand the many faces of depression. Some of these people are just having a bad case of the blues or are grief stricken from what life has dished them out. These people benefit tremendously from therapy and it should be the first-line of treatment. Sometimes daily exercise, a change of diet, and someone to talk to completely turns these people around. Sometimes, their "depression" can be traced to some med they're taking (beta blockers and anti-anxiety meds have the potential to get you down). But sometimes it's more. I've seen a look of "nothing" in the eyes of a chemically-imbalanced person. It's like a car slipped into neutral and it ain't going nowhere without someone or something shifting that gear back into drive. These are the ones who need immediate intervention. From what I've seen, my guess is they're less than 5% of the population treated for depression. GPs are too quick to prescribe the little yellow pill before trying a change in diet, exercise, allergy testing, and ruling out things like underactive thyroid, menopausal symptoms, etc.

The Word "Depression" has become common. Too common. It's taken on a new meaning.

Yesterday, in the local section of the paper I saw a picture of a homeless man who "refused" help from local agencies. What I saw was the look of "nothing" in his eyes. The person writing the article was clueless.

Diane and Lee (and everybody posting to this topic). Thank you for sharing your thoughts and thank you for caring enough for other people to not worry about "exposing" your experiences. It takes people like you, Sherry, Paul, and Charisse to TEAR DOWN THE WALLS of ignorance and rebuild them with hope.

 

Kim, I can't begin to understand what it would be like to be within that 5% who feel 'nothing'. At my darkest point I hated the thought of another 5 minutes of life let alone perhaps another 40 years (though I never contemplated ended it... I was too aware of others pain), but that was deep despair, not 'emptiness'. That was because I had no hope and far too much physical suffering. I think you are absolutely remarkable to be able to see how it is for that 95% who really can make change for themselves (like me... like the majority), and that 5% who are just too lost. I also am in awe of the people who pull back from personal tragedy, like the loss of a child. The things we never see are the things that amaze me most about people.

I feel so sad that you had to experience what you did Kim. No wonder people seek you out so much.

Thanks for this topic. It helps me to remember that 5%.

Lee

 

sometimes there are no tears because depression is past the place where tears come from. There is only the pain that covers and obliterates the who, the me, the self. For me there is a essential small bit that is constant and that is at my core. It is a place of wellness and delight from which I alway gain succor and from which I regain and rebuild. This is the seminal me, the steady and indomitable flame and spark.

 

If you know you're experiencing despair, then there is hope.

 

This is an amazing topic and thread. Thank you, Kim, for sharing yourself with us.

 

Linda, I appreciate the encouragement. I know I'm on the right track if you approve. :-*

There are so many of "us" out there that are so scared of being labeled, and rightfully so. There is much discrimination in the workplace, in school, and in life for those of us with this brain disease. Face it, if there were two candidates for a job and you knew one was bi-polar, which one would you hire?

For awhile I thought nothing good could come from this plague. Then I realized how lucky I was to be in the field of higher ed because, relatively speaking, I was more protected there than in private industry. Colleges attract a lot of odd balls And being State funded, they have to march in step to ADA and other protective laws. With tenure, it would be hard to get rid of me

Before the first depression came, I was a pretty private person. I was political and one of these women who were referred to as "ball busters" During my illness I was humbled to a point of no return (thank goodness). I realized just how insignificant one could become in a given set of circumstances. Many of my friends pulled away (I know the people here can relate to that), my family regarded me as "crazy aunt Kim" by pretty much ignoring me, or worse, patronizing me. Then I got real bad and Mayo told them I might die from a disease of my pancreas. They could deal with that because it was REAL. The depression was IN MY MIND. And they thought THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO to make it go away. Fortunately, I had a neice whose business partner dealt with bi-polar. My neice flew down here with my brother and they went to Mayo with me. Mayo recommended hospitalization but it took me another 3 weeks to get in (due to insurance companies fighting). By that point I was in the ICU for two days, then sent up to the medical psychiatric wing. A couple zaps later and I was good as new

 

And we are so blessed to have you :-*!

 

depression is an equal opportunity destroyer :-[

 

So very true.

Thank you for sharing this thread Titus. I saw myself in many things said. The book sounds like a good one.

 

:'(