Relationship opinion needed, long read but very important!

Alright I have been hanging around for a little while now and I assume that those who have been reading my symptoms know that my condition is for real. My ex-wife/girlfriend/roommate/life partner (confusing situation) has acted like she is ready to leave me.

She does this often so I don't get too concerned about it (like my five year old throwing a fit) this seems to be how she gets attention. However, the stress of my medical condition coupled with her being forced to work for the first time in 12 years (that I have known her) is really causing major stress for me and her I am sure.

She works a graveyard shift for the state government in a residential treatment center (Rehab). So we don't see each other much which compounds our problems. She spends so much time in bed that during her work week we barely see each other. I have taken the responsibility for taking care of the house, my four step kids and our biological child. Which again on symptom days is a challenge but I do pretty well all things considered.

I still been able to take care of the house bills (large disability check from veterans administration) but now with me not working there isn't much money left on my part. She isn't earning much and seems to be unable to budget so that stress is hard. Part of me wishes she would leave while another part of me wishes she would stay. The thing that kills me is how she makes smart remarks about me going back to work and I don't really have these problems, or they are not as bad as I make them seem.

Really she wants to quit her job and stay home, which I understand but that isn't practical at least for the moment. I don't know what to do or say. If this is any indication of how big her fits are I have her wedding ring on my pinkie and she has her "get away bag" sort of packed. I guess if I could say anything about how I feel like a punk or weak it is more for the benefit of the kids that I tolerate this behavior. I thought about the old me, (twenties me) and I would have told her to leave the first time she pulled a stunt like this. Now maybe I feel like I "need her". Weird situation but looking for some wisdom so hit me with it.

 

Sounds like an unpleasant situation for all involved. I'm sure it weighs on the kids too.

I really don't think I'd want to be with someone who is with me because he "needs" me. It would make me resentful and detached.

Maybe you guys need to sit down and talk things out since there are children involved. I'm all about doing what's best for the kids, even if it is not what's best for me.

 

I hate this fucking disease!

Talk to a therapist. When the money stops flowing women can get real crazy IMO.
I only have 3 rules when it comes to women.
1. No credit card debt
2. No smoking
3. Have a job that you can support yourself.

Good luck my friend!

 

Clearly this is why I am still single! I can't and won't put up with crap like that. As far as I am concerned this disease is more than enough to deal, who needs extra stress and grief.

I understand that she "wants" to quit her job....but it is what it is. If she leaves you than clearly she would have to work even harder than she does now because who would be paying the major bills? Who would be taking care of the kids? In the real world people have to work, hard, to make it through. You are doing the best that you can - better than a lot of people without medical issues - and if she can't appreciate that...good riddance to bad rubbish.

Reality is that you don't "need" her. The stress that you are going through makes things worse. Yes, I am single and sometimes it might be "nice" to have someone here when this thing hits....but at the same time, I don't have to make excuses or explanations when I am not feeling well; I don't have to "justify" that while I don't look sick that today is not a good day. I certainly don't, nor would ever be, in a position to let someone live off of me just because they wanted to. If they had a medical condition and couldn't work that is a different story.

Bulldogs shared his rules! Here is mine: I never allow anyone in my life if they have the capacity to bring me down (emotionally, financially, etc..) May be selfish but so be it. There is enough in life that can bring me down, I feel no need to surround myself with people that add to it! Simple. ;D

 

It really sounds like you're going through a bad time, I'm sorry. This disease is as hard on those we love as it is on us.
It must be a big change for someone who hasn't worked to have to do it again. And on top of that a night shift really messes with your psyche.
No one can tell you what to do but where would she go? Would she take the kids. Is she bluffing to lay a guilt trip on you? Only you know the answers to these questions.
Maybe you need some time alone to just talk. Let her read this site, maybe seeing how other people, respected professionals who have had to give up their jobs will help her to realize this is a serious disease.
Having to deal with this disease is bad enough but the added stress will only exasperate your symptoms. I'm hoping that talking here will at the least help you.
Good luck.

 

Bulldogs shared his rules! Here is mine: I never allow anyone in my life if they have the capacity to bring me down (emotionally, financially, etc..) May be selfish but so be it. There is enough in life that can bring me down, I feel no need to surround myself with people that add to it! Simple.

Where have you been all my life!

 

RD,

As a loving and kindhearted man, god knows I have made mistakes in my life, and at 44 years old I finally got married to someone I have been dating for 17 years. She is a saint to have put up with me all these years. But from a relationship standpoint, man cannot possibly win, because when you think about it the woman has all the p$&&y and half the money so in a lot of ways they have us right where they want us. It's tough I know!

I think the reason it has worked so well for me/us for 17 years is because we both have separate careers, interests, hobbies and we don't argue, if we have a difference we go for a walk or out to dinner to talk about it as adults-------we never stay home and never in front of the kids. By going for walks or out to dinner I can honestly admit it makes us talk and listen I each other and not raise our voices. In 17 years I have never raised my voice at my wife. And we never go I bed angry. The issue is resolved before bed.

Stay strong!

 

LOL

 

As a guy that is divorced from a loveless marriage, and subsequently involved with a jealous and extremely jealous woman with borderline personality disorder that almost killed me (not just figuratively either) I can say this....Life is TOO short to put up with bullshit. I had a LDR with a girl while I was sick last year...She didn't get it....that I was really sick, and I saw how that was gonna play out, so I let her go. I am now involved with one of my best friends from many years ago, and she's a keeper! I know she will stick by me through it all...and knows. She broke her ankle horribly back in 2011 and has had 4 surgeries to fix her ankle and has daily pain still. It changed her life. She gets it. That's what you need bro...someone that GETS it! You do what is best for you though man.

 

recentlydizzy,

I am sorry to read about your relationship troubles. I think I read that youre 40. If so, I have been married to the same guy longer than you have been alive!

It has been my experience through the years of ups and downs, (mostly ups) that communication is key. You have to talk to each other and tell each other how you are feeling and how the other person can help. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.

Bulldogs, what exactly is it that you can't win?

 

I say this often on the forum but this disease is very tough on those who choose to be with us. It takes a toll on his/her life in so many ways. I understand that we are the ones suffering through the physical symptoms but they suffer as much on an emotional and stress level.

It isn't easy when things are financially difficult or there are kids to raise, etc. The other person's life basically revolves around our MM schedule in so many ways.

I know that as the "sick" ones we expect to be taken care of and expect understanding. But the other person also deserves the same. They deserve our full understanding too. It's not easy being the healthy one in a relationship. Sometimes there is a lot of guilt associated with it. There can also be anger and fear.

We don't know recentlydizzy's partner's side of the story. I'm sure she has her slice of life to share also. I don't want to judge the lady or their relationship. I mean it is very tough on all those involved.

Like I said, do what is best for the kids involved and resolve your differences. If she absolutely refuses to understand that you are sick then I am not sure what brought the two of you together in the first place.

 

Thanks everyone for the responses! A special thanks to James2013 seems we both are involved with extremely jealous women. Mine was so bad I had to turn off my facebook page because as my 20th class reunion was approaching I started to connect with people I knew years ago. Needless to say my wife/ex-wife didn't approve. Today she has been home all day and we had the house to ourselves so we did try communicating. The results of our attempt to communicate is as follows.
1. She is not happy! 2. I am sick! 3. I still pay all the bills! 4. She works and is always broke! 5. She wants feelings! A bright spot of today was getting flowers planted around the tree in the yard.

 

I think you need to focus on number 5.

The rest will fall into place.

 

Ummmm I think the majority of the adult world works hard and is always broke! LOL Still seems to me that she would be even MORE broke if you were not there. I understand that there are two sides to every story, but I also know that sometimes two people are just so different in what they want out of life that they will never be fully happy together. My take on this (from what is written) is that she wants someone to take care of her and you want a partner. She is not wrong to want what she wants; neither are you. Question is whether those two different expectations can meet in the middle?

 

nicmger is very perceptive. You are right she does want to be taken care of. She is a "bleeping princess" her words not mine! A rather strange thing happened when we was talking a few days ago. She was complaining about a stomach ache so I tried to give her some over the counter medicine and she refused to take it. So my reaction was don't complain if A. you won't go see the doctor, B. when offered medicine you won't take it. Not my finest moment but then I said "I can't do anything for you" and the look on her face was one of complete surprise. It looked like somebody just hit her in the chest and knocked her speechless. Come to think of it that might have been the day she took off her rings and started packing a bag.

 

I'm not sure why you chose to be with this person not once but twice. Sounds like there is nothing about her that you enjoy being around.

You say you stay because you "need" her. That's really not a good enough reason. Sounds like you knew what she was like the first time so, really, for you to get into this a second time....I mean, are you sure you're looking at this picture clearly enough?

 

Thank you Intrepid for the reply! I guess it is rather confusing but maybe a little more detail will help.

We was officially divorced June 28th 2012. She is unbelievably mad at me because I got custody of our biological son and she should be paying child support. She didn't show up in court and that is somehow my fault?? I will always feel the kids are far better off here so I never made a big deal out of her leaving or not.

Two reasons why I filed for divorce #1 she asked for it, #2 she got in trouble with the IRS then lied about taking care of it. To this day it is still not taken care of! My co-workers who have some idea of who she is said she wasn't going anywhere because she knows how good she has it. Well almost two years later and she is still here.

I am reasonably intelligent, extremely independent, but can't seem to figure out this almost codependency issue I have with her. As I said my twenties me would have told her to hit the streets. Maybe just maybe my love and concern for the kids outweighs my own self interests. However, when she started going on about how I wasn't that sick and should go back to work it really struck a nerve.

 

This thread makes me think I am blessed. The most mature advice comes from Intrepid, which is not unusual in these forums. She is a woman of formidable experience, intellect and empathy.

My wife of nearly 30 years has stayed by me since I became severely bilateral on May 11, 2002. We had a glorious life before then. I was a highly respected, nationally known trial lawyer in a very prestigious law firm. She was a lawyer as well, with our state court of appeals. We traveled in the highest social circles of our megalopolis, despite not being 1%ers.

It all died in a day. But she has never wavered. As my health has worsened, her commitment to keeping me alive has only grown. She has gone through several careers since my illness. All of them have helped keep us more than afloat, together with my accidentally good disability planning decades ago. Do we disagree? A lot. Do we see family ties differently? Polar opposites: I am not close to my siblings, but I love them, and we are kind to each other. My wife loves her siblings, but they are all snakes, and she would be better off if they died. Her mother has a "Sons and Lovers" complex, and she has two weak sons, one psychotic, the other merely an asshole. Her sister is borderline psychotic. Her mother is selfish and self-centered, and ALL of her children have suffered from it. My father in law was a great man, and I knew I was the son he wished he had always had, given his own were such losers. But my wife remains loyal to all of us--her Mom, her siblings, me.

I tell this long story to make a point: there are people out there who CAN deal with MM folks, even severe ones like me. They are not easy to find. But if you are in a relationship which causes you stress and makes the MM worse, you are better off getting out of it than making your suffering worse. I know, because my first marriage was to a "princess" type, and in the end, I divorced her, many years before MM struck me. Had we still been married then, she would have divorced me and taken every penny she could have gotten from me. While not always true, Jean Paul Sartre made a profound statement in his play "No Exit": "Hell is other people." In my life, that has sadly been true more often than not.

But for the brighter view of life, always go with Intrepid. She has helped me. She will help you. And she is the exception to my rule.

 

Hmmm, WHO really needs WHO here? just a thought. Move on, end of story.

 

Thanks Brownrecluse. I am so touched

Recentlydizzy, maybe there is hope. You don't mention not being in love with her anymore as a reason for divorce, I don't want to downplay the issues between you two, but, if there is still love and respect, you can work through the daily annoyances by coming up with reasonable compromises.

She wants you to work. You are unable to. This sounds like a major point of argument between you. It could just be a gender thing, you know? Traditionally the man went to work and the woman stayed home with the kids. She may just be desiring a more archaic form of marriage.

There is one thing you mentioned. She wants more feelings. As a woman, I take that to mean she wants more appreciation from you, more niceness, more gratitude. She is the breadwinner in this situation and I think she wants to hear you ask her more about her day, her job, etc. Be empathetic.

I think that if you take the first step to show more kindness and appreciation CONSISTENTLY, then you will receive the same back. Your kids will benefit and thrive in an environment where both parents are affectionate toward one another and it will model behavior that they will take into their own homes one day.

This will be difficult. I know that. WE are the sick ones so WE should be let off the hook. Right? Wrong! Our circumstances were not caused by the people we are with. They should not have to pay the price nor should we expect that they suddenly change. You be nice to yourself, and her. I think once she sees she is receiving the emotional support she seems to be lacking, she will be there for you more.

I think you are afraid of being alone. This disease causes very scary moments and we all want to have that someone by our side when the room spins, when we can't drive, when kids are needy, when we just cannot get out of bed. Nobody signs up to be with a sick partner. Yes I know we say for better or for worse, but we don't actually think worse will happen to us; that happens to other people

Work through your daily irritations. It sounds as though you two have not done that so far and now it's spilling all over the place. Sometimes it takes very little, an "I love you and I thank you for all you do for me/us" to re-establish connection and intimacy.

Don't be afraid to feel and express good, loving, kind feelings. If you have let MM rob that from you then you are in big trouble! Do something different today and tomorrow and the day after that. Positive attitude is very contagious