depression

Interesting thread. I have a real reverse twist on this one. I was really struggling the six months or so before my first Meniere's attack on May 11, 2002. I was having trouble concentrating at work, getting motivated, putting in the hours my job demanded (roughly 60 hours a week.) In addition, I was undergoing extensive dental work--28 crowns to be exact--which was exhausting and time consuming.

So my internist decided I was depressed, and prescribed a couple of different anti-depressants. While always a serious sort in most aspects of my life, I felt defeated by the prescriptions. It was sort of like a mark of Cain to me, because I was raised to be tough and my parents basically taught me that depression was a cop-out for wimps (my Dad was a career Navy officer.)

When the Meniere's attack struck me, I realized in a flash that its symptoms explained everything that had been bothering me; it had obviously been building in me for a long time and I just did not know it. The net result? Any hint of depression I might have had disappeared, because I learned my problems were PHYSICAL, not PSYCHOLOGICAL.

In the intervening years, despite being unable to work and becoming almost totally reclusive, depression has not returned. I accept what happened as just bad genes or whatever, and try to make the best of what life I have. Having a very supportive wife has been a huge help, of course; sadly, I think my illness depresses her more than it ever did me.

I have to add, though, that if there are those of you who are depressed by this illness (and you have every right to be; my way of handling it, which basically involves treating my former life as an illusion and my current life as reality, is a matter of will and to some degree a phony cop-out), and you find that anti-depressants help, then of course go for it! Anything that relieves the suffering this monster visits on us is worth trying.

 

I just received a call from the psychiatrist I will be seeing - with an appointment for TOMORROW. Wow. I must be sick.
Anyway, she sounded sane of the phone, so I have hope.

 

Good visit with the psychiatrist. She's going to add 10 mg of Prozac to my current wellbutrin. She points out that since I've had at least 3 episodes of depression I should find the meds that help and just stick with them. She's ok with me continuing imovane for sleep and Ativan for vertigo and post vertigo anxiety. The Prozac may help with that freaky time too.

It's 2 weeks since my last vertigo and I'm just starting to feel human and not suicidal anymore. Hallelulah! Thanks for the support here.

 

AnneT - it's wonderful that your symptoms are improving. Whether it's the drugs or a remmission doesn't matter, as long as you're feeling better - that's all that counts. Keep up the good stuff you're doing. I'm pulling for you.

recluse - I like the way you look at things. It's like you can't change the past so just deal with the present. I try doing that every day. I do take meds but they are for other reasons than just Meniere's. Are you agorophobic or anxiety ridden in regards to your being reclusive. I guess my interest is why or how you became a recluse. Care to share?

 

Hey Interpid - could you talk a little more about clinical depression?? Like it's beginnings or what is considered clinical as opposed to situaltional? Some of it is obvious of course like the situational but the clinical sounds a little deeper for lack of a better word...

 

I've been diagnosed with depression when I wasn't the least bit depressed.

I had autoimmune thyroid disease, and was exhausted from low thyroid levels. But I wasn't depressed. But the doctor tried to offer me antidepressants.

I had post-partum depression, most likely caused by vitamin D deficiency, as I wasn't taking a supplement and I wasn't getting out in the sun at all. The doctor offered me Paxil. I refused, as it would have meant weaning my newborn. Luckily, a friend came and dragged me and the baby outside for a walk in the sun. The depression was COMPLETELY gone before the walk was over.

My thyroid levels were low again, and this time I was being seen by a different doctor, who did not want to bother testing my thyroid levels. (I had made an appointment because I was tired, my weight had ballooned by 20 pounds, I was always cold, and my hair was falling out--all classic signs of low thyroid. But the doctor (an endocrinologist) told me that my weight had ballooned because I was lazy (not true--I was exercising every day) and cheating on my diet (also not true). He offered my antidepressants. I refused to leave his office until he gave me a scrip for thyroid blood work--which proved that my levels were indeed quite low.

I immediately found a new doctor.

 

Ugh... I'm so sorry for you out there with the misdiagnosing doctors.

Here is my true confession: I am (?was) a Family Physician. We are not perfect, but... ugh! We all have different skill sets, so I'm sure I missed my share (I didn't know too much about Meniere's before I had to!), but am proud of some of my good "saves" in the depression arena. For example, a patient labelled with depression who was actually anemic due to colon cancer.

Due to my health problems, I gave up my regular practice about 5 years ago, and now (when well enough), mostly teach small groups at the medical school. My passion is teaching communication skills which involves understanding the patient's perspective.

Answering the original question, I've had depression episodes since my teens, but only had some of them treated since my early 30s (46 now). The Meniere's started about 2 years ago. I think the vertigo episodes flip my neurochemistry into severe depression/anxiety mode. With each episode, it takes longer to get back to almost where I was before. I am now accepting that, barring side effects, I will likely be on depression meds for life. And will likely never get back to being able to work full time.

 

I was and it was the last thing I needed, I am on Zoloft 150mg which is high but it helps me get off sofa. I think it is the I want my life back, you dont look sick, loss of 4 jobs, missing fun cause I can drive, it might go with the mm or not. I think so.

 

A good magazine for depression support is called "Esperanza".

 

Please tell me this will get better.

 

Thanks Sarita. Kinda was what I already thought...nice to be validated.

Anne - if there are triggers and you discover them - this will get better. I'm sorry I can't give you more. :-\

 

Thanks holly. I was feeling very low, struggling with depression and PMS being wicked after a vertigo attack. The I saw a vestibular physio. Very informative but shook my brain back into the dark swamp. I am feeling better today after a good visit with a psychiatrist.

 

Thanks to Intrepid for that very specific analysis, and all my best to AnneT--it has to be really rough being a doctor and fighting both depression AND Meniere's.

I think my poor wife is more depressed than I am, because of the life we had that we lost. We just finished having a wedding party at our house a couple of weeks ago for our youngest daughter that, because of my Meniere's and the impact noise, people, talking, etc. have on me was going to be a small family affair of about 12 people. Due to a series of unforeseen circumstances, when the day arrived, we had 110 + at our house. The logistics were staggering, and very tough on me and my wife. We had some help, but not enough. It was a huge success, a great event, our daughter and her husband were immensely grateful, and we saw friends and family we had not seen in years.

Now I am paying the price. As usual, it began about two days after the event, with gradually increasing symptoms. Now, at the two-week point, the real danger hits. Several symptoms are doing the see-saw, soaring into unimaginable regions, then declining. Last time I socialized, I got a monster attack while asleep, had to crawl to the bathroom with everything spinning around me, lost what was in my stomach over about a 45-minute period, was barely able to crawl back to bed, and slept almost without a break for the next 50 hours. Worst attack since my first one 9 years before, even worse than that in some ways.

So I am just hoping I don't get another one like that. I try to be maniacal about sodium intake, avoid every trigger I have ever encountered ( I keep a list ), and rely on Valium and other medications to try to keep stable. \

My heart goes out to all of you fighting depression alone with the MM curse. I got lucky, or I tricked my psyche somehow. I just accepted what had happened to me as the genetic dice roll my parents gave me, and felt fortunate that I had a successful and rewarding life until I was 53. Lots of people never have that. I am 63 now (today, actually), and still have great friends with whom I stay in touch via email, a wife who is the stuff of legend, great daughters, and relative financial security. Which matters more for my wife and daughters (all grown) than for me, since my needs are few and my wants fewer.

It goes back to an old cliche--if someone gives you lemons, make lemonade. I just try to make the best of what I have, and wall off what I had, almost a virtual lobotomy if you will. I pretend my former life was a dream, an illusion, and that my present life is the real one. All smoke and mirrors, but it works for me. That, and the occasional re-reading of the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor/philosopher who was himself very ill much of his life, and struggled to deal with life and crises. We are each unique, but I always found his brand of stoicism very comforting, even before I got Meniere's. It is even more so now.

Persevere, and take things one day at a time. That is my only real message. Billions are worse off than we are. It may not seem like it, but it is.

 

Happy bd brownrecluse and thank you for gentle encouraging words. With the help of friends and this psychiatrist I am trying to retrain my actions and thoughts. Baby steps into enjoyable activities, reframing my self concept from doctor to just me - and maybe artist. I'm grateful to be able to be mom, wife, friend.

 

Wonderful link,Intrepid..explains very clearly the aspects of clinical depression as opposed to "the blues". I was interested in this thread, because had been trying to wean myself off of an SNRI that I found can have side effects that might mimic my MM. As I read, I got a little freaked at the "Tom Cruise-like" comments concerning depression. I am happy that some of these sufferers are able to pull themselves up by their boot-strings, but if so, I don't believe it was clinical depression.
I have suffered from depression for over 20 years. The first 10 yrs I tried toughing it out and listened to everyone tell me things would get better. For the next 10 I kept it under control with citalopram(Celexa). 2 & 1/2 yrs ago as I watched my last son graduate from college, while I was proud, I was horrified to find that the biggest thought on my mind was "whew,finally have the last one able to take care of himself, my job is done, if I kill myself now, they will be okay" This scared me enough that after the family celebrations were over and my husband and I were alone, I told him my thoughts and cried almost 9 hrs straight. I got straight to my Dr the next Monday and we adjusted my hormones and started me on Pristiq.
In contrast,the past yr I have had two surgeries, was laid off my job after 17 yrs due to budget problems, searched,found,and began a new job,had a beloved nephew go to prison and leave his 3 kids for something he did 5 yrs earlier, and recently had a major MM attack & DMZ tx for that. With all of these recent problems, I never once had that thought embed itself in my head. Yes, I felt "depressed" and was upset but nothing that risked my life.
It is important when dealing with depression to go down the checklist in this link carefully and you and your healthcare provider discuss the possibility of clinical depression. I personally wouldn't recommend Pristiq because I have since found that dizziness and tinnitus can be side effects. But believe me there are lots more out there!
Sorry, this was much too long, but I feel very strongly about this and as a pharmacy tech see my customers at their worst and best as they battle this illness. It is not a weakness, it is an illness, and can be as debilitating as MM.

 

Thanks for the post, GoofyGirl. If I could just melt away, I would, but I know it would hurt my husband, sons, friends, family. Waiting for the Prozac to kick in, and praying it gives no intolerable side effects.

 

AnneT,
No melting away allowed!! If so, I'd get to be the first to do so!! If it helps any, with all the new SRIs and SNRIs on the market, my older sister has been on Prozac for years. The dosage has had to be adjusted and she has had setbacks, but it was her son who went to prison and she has hung in there! Her faith makes me proud to be her sister. She always says God never gives us more than we can handle and he's decided she can handle all kinds of stuff! We are all stronger than we think and asking for help, be it meds or therapy shows that you do want to feel alive and hopeful again. Prozac can take 3-6 wks to take effect, and any anti-depressant should be give a couple of months unless you have extreme side-effects..if so discuss with Dr the way to wean yourself off because an abrupt discontinuation of these meds can cause a relapse of depression that is much worse! You may already know this, and if so forgive me. You are not alone! I hope you feel more like yourself soon!

 

:'( These last number of entries really touched my heart. Makes me feel so not alone.

 

I'm so sorry, spinningwheels. I'm suffering from both the diagnosis of MM, a worsening prognosis and depression as well. My husband sounds similar to yours, actually called me manipulative and asked me why it was always about me. It's a horrible feeling to feel like your spouse only adds to the pain you're already experiencing. I believe it will get better -- you will get more educated about your condition, learn to advocate for yourself and find others (like here) who will support and validate you. Sounds like you have good doctors in your corner as well. I can't take depression meds because of the side effects. I plan on increasing my B vitamins and D vitamins to see if that helps. In the meantime I have already learned to say to my husband "You know what, this IS all about me. I will do whatever it takes to get the help I need." He's coming around and we're planning on going to counseling to help fix underlying communication issues that this has revealed. I'm also learning to not do so much -- the more I do the more they think I can do -- and the more I end up doing no matter how I feel -- and then the worse I feel the next day. If the laundry doesn't get done today, well, that's just going to have to be okay. If I go to bed at 7 that's okay too. I am giving myself permission to be sick. It's no different than any other disease.

 

Thank you, Holly and GoofyGirl. It's hard to be patient with depression, let alone with the Random Beast lurking! Thank you so much for responding and encouraging me. It has been another tough day, but I did a little painting, and a few desk and household things. Hubby is cooking. Maybe we can find a funny movie to watch on TV tonight. Hope you guys have a good evening. - AnneT