depression

I'm almost 60 years old so I've reinvented myself so many times I think I'm back to square one. I watched my two oldest grandchildren today and was miserable. Had to keep lying down to fight this off. It's been like this for months and now I've had enough. But not enough to do anything about it. Here I sit sick and depressed but I don't want to go for the next round of tests because I hate the way they make me feel. So here I sit feeling sorry for myself. I am going to see my GP and see what he can offer right now. I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through it all and I haven't found that person yet.

 

A couple of things...I'm about your age, and your situation sounds very familiar to mine (to a degree, of course).

One thing I learned recently is that you do not want to always protect your loved ones from your pain; they need to see it so they can understand. I found myself always apologizing to my children (because I could not "be there" for them...I was "not myself" anymore) and have learned that apologies are not necessary and they are not wanted. There is nothing to apologize for; you are ill, you need help, and it only hurts YOU if you try to clean it up for them.

Also, I'm not a physician, but I can tell you that mixing certain antidepressants with Ativan (I take Ativan, have taken it for 13 years) is not a good idea. I was prescribed Lexapro back in 2004 for depression, and that was before I had my first attack of vertigo. It took me just three years on that to discover that yes, it helped a little bit, but in general...it numbed me to my own life and reduced me to apathy. Not only was it difficult to feel sadness, antidepressants can also make it difficult to feel joy.

I got tired of no joy.

I quit Lexapro the spring of 2009. I had ALL of the antidepressant withdrawal syndrome symptoms and let me tell you, they're a real killer. For four whole months, if I turned my head, or moved too quickly, I got what felt like electrical zaps, little brain shocks, inside my brain as my neurochemistry readjusted itself to not having that drug there. It's awful and almost as bad as Meniere's. Some people don't make it and have to stay on them. It's best to be weaned gradually, over months, but I was impatient and just went cold turkey (it's doable but you have to be determined).

So...just giving you fair warning, they are not all they are cracked up to be. Some people are helped immensely...and if so, well good, the chemistry changes are the right ones.

What I found helped me through the depression of the last...wow, year and a half now...was the right strain of cannabis sativa (I'm a legal patient, of course). But caution is needed there as well...cannabis unlocks your emotions big time and allows you to get back in touch with them. But that means it can also unleash a torrent of emotions, both positive and negative, so if you go that route, you need a very definite way of creative expression to deal with the emotions you'll feel. For me, I write, and I've got journals and journals full of painful memories, things that happened throughout my life that hurt me, including getting Meniere's. Some people create art. (And, some people just go nuts if they can't find a way to express themselves.)

The big question is, do you want to go numb, or be set free?

Personally, I have found that too much cannabis can be counter productive...but just the right amount is very healing. You might be surprised. But just be prepared to create something, anything at all, that says "this is what I'm feeling."

Then share that (if you dare) with your children, and they might understand better.

 

Thank you for your response. Do you still take the Ativan? Part of my depression is needing to take it almost every day. I feel like a failure. The other part of me is thankful that I found something that gives me some relief and I should not be ashamed to take it. From what you describe I think I would be the type of person to go nuts if I used cannabis. I had one doc tell me that it might help me but I've been afraid to try it. Heck I seem to be afraid of everything these days. I do wonder if talking to someone who specializes in chronic illnesses would help. I will keep in mind what you have said about the antidepressants. My sister took them for a couple years and she was just as you described. She lacked joy. I already lack that, I can't imagine what they would do to me

 

A few things:

Finding a therapist who works with chronic illness is useful. They "see" the bigger picture of how depression interacts with physical illness. Many times, they blend into one big hairball.

AD meds did the same to me complete with brain zaps. Never, ever again!

You are not a failure. You have an illness. Would you feel like a failure if you needed to take Thyroid Medication, probably not. The Benzo's and other mental health medications have A LOT of stigma attached to them.
Right now the goal is to feel better. If it means you take Ativan, so be it.
The world is hard enough without you beating yourself up, too.

It's easy to project far into the future when dealing with this crap. It's hard to imagine ever feeling slightly human let alone getting back to normal.

Try to stay in this day. Don't let your 'monkey mind" run free. Keep the negative/crazy thoughts
( monkeys) in the cage.
Focus on positive things. Small changes make a big difference.

I know this is a very long and bumpy road. One step at a time and a boatload of patience.

 

no, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder long before menieres came into my life.

Take Care

 

excellent advice amberini - I knew someone would come along with just the right words

 

Kelika, you sound so much like me that I feel more normal. I thought I was the only one who felt like that.
Amberini, thank you so much for your posts. They are very helpful. I've been feeling rather desperate lately (very advanced case) and what you said is just what I needed to hear.
I will have to check in here more often. I have quit working now if anyone remembers me from my earlier post.

 

Ditto Amberini.

It takes guts and courage to deal with the hard part of what life brings, and you should be proud Kelika that you have sought out help. I'M proud of you!

My sister went on prozac and it changed her life for the good. For some people meds are a life changer.

Lisa

 

2 sides to medications BUT I found they gave me enough space between me and depression that I could start to think, start to get my thoughts in order. Eventually, stronger and I haven't needed them for many years.

It's not easy to ask for this type of help, huge stigmas attached to it. Do it anyway and get back into life.

 

Hi Savingsdogs,

I hope you can come by more often, as often as you need it. Many of us here are too familiar with the desperation of depression.

You know where to find us, if you feel the need.

Care to share the story of your screen name?

Mine came from Amber, my first Malenois. Now I have another, Charlee, a police flunky and
a retired working GSD, Xito.

 

I think I need to check in every day! My communication with the outside world has been pretty much cut off except internet as I can no longer use the phone and avoid driving. So the internet is "it" for me. I have been part of a support group that is not related to this....and I see that they sympathize but do not truly understand. Even my family who have seen me progress down this nasty road do not understand.

My name savingdogs comes from my hobbies....I always use that user name on the internet. For more than a dozen years I've been involved in rescuing dogs from the humane society. It used to be an all-consuming hobby and I was a leader of a animal rescue group. I felt very "effective" and "useful" and inspired by my life. Unfortunately those activities have all been scaled waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back. However, Hubby loves doing the dog rescue and so do my sons, so we still foster dogs (rhodesian ridgebacks) for a group of awesome folks who do the footwork and driving around and phone calls and such and my family fills in the gaps for when I'm ill. We just keep an extra dog or two here at my house along with my own and when a home is found, Hubby takes them to the coordinator. Currently we have three however, Ellie, Jake and Hanna. I also have five dogs of my "own" who were all "saved" from the humane society so that is why I'm savingdogs.

I always felt God wanted me to do that volunteer work and I don't understand why He has given me this challenge to face at the same time or instead. One of the sources of my depression is that I can no longer talk on the phone and do the things I want to do for the rescue dogs. Luckily I have a wonderful coordinator who communicates with me via Facebook and we do wonderfully. She is also disabled (migraines) so we make a good pair.

I had a very firm philosophy and way of life carved out that has been thrown out the window by this disease. Three years ago when I got real sick, a huge void opened up in this county for dogs, because I was a force to be reckoned with. I made changes, in fact, my motto was to be a "force for positive change."
That seems almost like a farce now....I still call it my motto, but it hard for me to be anything positive anymore. I feel so much more like a burden myself....and like the rescuer who must be rescued.

Kalika's words struck right into my HEART......they are so true for me and such an accurate depiction of my life. I truly did not think anyone else feels like this. While I'm sorry that you do.....I'm glad I have found you.

 

I was I think it was the worse part of this, It is funny I read these posts today, cause I just got done telling my self I am not going back to "the dark place" . I hope you find the right thing to do for it me I went on zoloft. A low dose but I function. I just lost another job and I know I have to stay strong and realize I did not ask for this. I am grateful for friends who understand and do not feel let down when I just can't do something.
Cheryl

 

I KNOW I lost my last three jobs due to this.

Prior to this flaring up, I was always a model employee. Sometimes my co-workers did not like me because my bosses liked me too much, you know that kind of person? Over achiever. I always floated to the top. Kept everybody laughing and held groups together.

But the hearing loss really effected my job performance. And the vertigo attacks.....those REALLY interupt, and the days-missed issue.

And the job before that was doing medical transcription which I cannot hear well enough to do any more. I've been very depressed about this for years, but this month I FINALLY found a bright side to this that I'll share with you.

I think it will make my case for disability very good. When I wrote it all out in the disability questionaire they gave me, it was very easy for me to describe a clear picture of my struggle over the last 12 years to stay employed, after being a model employee making darn good money. While disability will not be great money, I do think I'll eventually be able to make a case and have at least some income coming in.

 

Hi Amberlini

Earlier on in this thread you mentioned getting rid of all grains. I'm interested in this but in all ignorance I don't know what all grains means. Could you please explain.

Thanks

Frank

 

Yeah, keep checking in. There's always someone here to talk to. Starting a new post is a good way to talk it out and get some feedback. It's not a "big deal" to start a topic nor does it have to be an "important" subject. Just something you want to talk about or just say how you're feeling. Everybody looks at what's come out that's new. And you might find that there's some days you need just that... somebody to listen and maybe make your day a little better. I know I'd say to savingdogs right now that there's nothing wrong with getting a little back of what you've given. You still do everything you can and I'm sure are still a force to be reckoned with on your good days. Let someone else hold the handle, you're still in the wagon

 

Thank you HollyMM. I find myself quite comforted reading this thread.

 

Hi Frank,

Grains: wheat, corn, soy, oats, barley, corn starch, corn syrup and to some extent rice. Then investigate because many of these grains are used in production for other food. There is frequent cross contamination.

Shop when it's quiet so you can read labels, still it's even easier to eat very "clean" with fresh veggies, organic if you can and either wild caught fish or grass fed beef or free range/ABX free chicken. Minimal fruit.

Good oils, coconut, olive, grass fed butter.
Stay away from industrial seed oils, canola, corn, vegetable, soybean, safflower, sunflower, cottonseed, margarine.
Be careful on Olive Oil. You want cold pressed. Know that some manufacturers add soy oil to olive oil because demand surpasses production.

So many things to watch out for, who has time to eat?? OYE!!!

For you ( Jay ), regarding fatigue, more research is pointing to avoiding wheat to help reduce fatigue.

 

Thanks for sharing your story SavingDogs.

 

Good thread. Thanks everyone for sharing. My two cents on anti depressants: avoid paxil and effexor. They are very short acting and can cause vertigo and vomiting if you miss a dose. Lexapro is a longer acting one related to effexor - looks like someone ran into similar problems.

Prozac is very long acting so the risk of this discontinuation syndrome is much much lower. You can even get liquid Prozac if you need to adjust your dose very finely.

For most, I don't think needing benzos (Ativan etc) on top of the AD should be a problem. Talk with your doc and see how you do.

I'd love to know how all the previous posters are doing these days? What have you tried? Are you better or worse?
Cheers AnneT

 

I talked my doctor into reducing my meds a little bit. I've noticed I get agitated a little more often but not enough to tell her cuz she'll just up the meds again. I can deal with this - I just do a little more self talk. We reduced the risperidone in case anyone is wondering...