Dealing with grief during the holidays

For me it was important to separate grief from guilt which are often associated. Guilt is not healthy and harboring such an emotion damages not only ourselves, but others. Grief on the other hand is personal and no one person handles grief in the same way. In some instances change has been the answer for me and in others holding to tradition has provided comfort. Since life is about change I am primarily leaning in that direction. My feelings are my own and whether I hold them tenderly and close or choose to share is my decision. Just knowing this gives me some means of control over the associated fear and/or pain. And, this provides hope. Hope for the present and the future. Happiness is attainable one small step at a time. It is a choice even though we may not realize we are making it.

 

I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood. Is this thread about dealing with the loss of a loved one during the holidays, or is it about dealing with turbulence during the holiday, whether or not it's associated with grief?

 

Moe,

I think its what ever grief you may go through during the holidays.

Everyone has left now and my husband is taking my daughter to the airport. This is my hardest time and when I grieve the most. It is not things that make me happy its the people in my life. Its gonna be a long day for me today.

 

Moe....you are doing just fine. Grief is a response to any situation that causes sorrow, loss or distress. It's all relative to the person experiencing. Your grief is very real...and no one is measuring it. I am dealing with grief from many situations....the loss of my father is more intense this time of year....I'm grieving the loss of a sibling who is still very much alive....I'm grieving the pain and suffering of my niece as she struggles everyday with her battle with cancer. I'm grieving the loss of happier days when life was more carefree and less burdensome. Some of these things can be changed, and some are forever changes. Your grief is facing the reality of a family member who has emotionally abused you and other family members. It sounds as if you are almost ready to stop allowing this abuse.....but you are still in the "anger" phase. And anger is very much part of grieving....

This is a great topic of discussion for you. There are some here who have experienced the unthinkable loss of a child, spouse, parent, sibling....close friend and/or several of the above. Their grief is a different grief....but yours is no less important. Share your feelings, sweetie.....and know that no one is judging you here. One thing that grief does give is wisdom to survive it. The combined wisdom of people posting on this thread will no doubt be a gift to you.....accept it with comfort and compassion from your friends. Bless you sweet friend!!

 

Charisse.....hugs to you all day and all week. My son leaves Tuesday....I am dreading it. :'( :'( :'(

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am glad nobody attacked and judged me for my anger towards my situation. You know that my problem is real, and that in itself is validating, which does feel good. I am feeling a lot better now because of this thread, a concept I didn't grasp at first so sorry if I came across as being harsh. Being reminded certainly had its drawbacks, since family problems was the last thing I wanted to think about during the holidays. But in a caring environment such as this, I now realize the benefits. You guys are awesome...and I mean that.

I have an idea....for those of us who might be alone....we might think of setting up a time for chatting during the holidays. I'm not saying it would replace the other kinds of joys we're used to, but it's a different way of bringing people together. Actually, this thought just came to my mind--if it's feasible and logistical--heh--a gathering for those without loved ones to celebrate the holidays might be a good idea. It might be too late to plan something like this, but it's definitely one way we can overcome this.

 

My dad died of cancer last January. All this Thanksgiving I stayed with my Mom in their little apartment in the lovely retirement center. Everywhere I went I could see my Dad in my mind just wandering around. I kept waiting for him to come thru the door and say "keep you seat". (Other dads would say 'get outta my chair').
My dad was a minister so I can rest content that he is in a better place. That is what I remind myself of. Still, the hole is there.

ps. my mom handled this holiday very well.

 

Not my suggestions.....taken from my notes and handouts in the class.

"Using the Holidays to Heal""Grief effects the whole person....spiritually, physically and emotionally. It's important to accept grief....surrender to the reality of it."


continued from post #13 in this thread.

4) Express your feelings: The surest way to get through grief is to feel it - not deny it. Feelings that are expressed will ultimately soften, but if they are suppressed or ignored they cannot ultimately be worked through.

5) Work off stresses of the season: Get into excercise, like biking and swimming, or just walk around the block. Exercise releases endorphins in your body which are the natural "feel good" hormones.

6) Drink A LOT of water to keep yourself hydrated and fluch out toxins, such as, excess cortisol: The levels of cortisol, a natural hormone in your body, are elevated when grieving. This contributes to you not being able to concentrate or focus and generally feeling "run down." Drinking a lot of water helps counter these effects.

more to come!

 

dmac...I'm sorry to hear about your loss this past year. I'm so glad your mom got through this first Thanksgiving well. It sounds like she's in a very positive community where she's not alone. What a blessing to you to know she's safe......and what a blessing you are to her.

 

Moe, my heart aches for you. I understand your grief because I lived it as a child. My father was anything but a daddy. He was physically, emotionally, and mentally an abuser. My siblings and I have made a pact to reach out to one another if and when we notice similarities. Our conscious effort to prevent this has been successful. Now that I am older and only two of us remain out of four and our dad is gone, some of the pain lingers, but it is different now. Having watched my husband with our children I realize just how much my own father lost and wonder what on earth shaped the man he became. His parents, my grandparents, were the most loving and gentle people. I still miss them and they died when I was a child. If my father were still alive I might try to talk to him and see if he would open up and let out some of the pain he must have held inside. I'm not suggesting this route for you for I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, but maybe if you think of it this way it might help you to some degree. Perhaps, just as important if not more so, I sincerely hope you have someone to confide in and trust with your inner most feelings. As Tess said, when we are able to talk about our grief it melts away ever so slightly, but it melts. I am here if you ever want to PM or email me. I'm a good listener.

 

This is such a timely thread. I tend to be the type of person who carries on with my buisy life without a lot of thought about my emotions until all of the sudden they well up on me. Facing my greif now instead of finding myself over whelmed Christmas day will go a long way in helping me throught the holidays. I hope this thread will help others as well.

 

Cee.....my brother also had a difficult relationship with our dad. He was a strict disciplinarian and sometimes emotionally abusive. As an adult and a mother, I took a stand and separated myself from him when he acted out. He desparately wanted us to visit, but when we were there it disrupted his routine and he was like a spoiled brat.....barking out orders to my kids and scaring them half to death. It was like "deja vu" and I said...sorry...we're leaving in an hour! And we did!! Funny thing, my dad eventually realized I meant what I said and mellowed. It was hard for him, but he began to "behave" when we came for a visit. The last 10 years of his life were the best years for us.....we were very close and he was so sweet and even tender at times. I could allow myself to get sad about it.....but I am so thankful of how our relationship was when he passed away. I still cry about that....and miss those last few years more than anything.

My brother on the other hand had it worse, maybe because he was the only son and grandson to carry on the name? (Amazing the pressure we can put on our children!) As an adult, my brother had the good intention to go to my dad and talk to him and try to resolve their differences as you suggested to Moe. My dad's pride got in the way and he refused to acknowledge a problem. My brother had expectations of it going well....and left angrier and more hurt than ever. My brother chose to hold on to that anger which was very damaging to his spirit. He did the right thing, and would have been better off just having peace within himself by making the effort in spite of what the end result was. But he chose to make my dad responsible for his personal unhappiness as an adult. And he still lives with bitterness and anger.

My point is more for Moe.....if you choose to confront or talk to your abusive family member, take responsibility for only your own actions. It may work out well.....but don't go in with expectations. Just know that this relation is responsible for how they respond and you have no control over that. If they refuse to meet you even half way, accept that and forgive them in your heart. You will have done the right thing and walked away without a burden on your shoulders and have peace. It may take making a break from this person and/or total seperation from them if necessary for them to understand.

I only wish I could convince my brother that he should be at peace with his actions, but he has made his choice. It's heartbreaking to watch. Unfortunately, he wants to have someone to blame for his misery. At 55 he's a very broken soul for many reasons....

 

Tess,

This is a good discussion. So many people deal with sadness, fear, and grief during this time of year. And for so many reasons. I find that I'm much more sensitive during the holidays. I think we experience healing when we reach out to someone else in need and comfort them. We don't have to bury our pain but just touching someone else in need can give us peace.

I see this thread as your way of reaching out to those of us who need that touch.

Kim

 

Kim......it's interesting that you mentioned "touching others" because that was very much part of the discussion in class. She mentioned how just a caring hand on a shoulder is incredibly healing and comforting. I thought about the many people who have come up to me over the years and really said nothing at all....but just looked at me straight in the eye and just held my hand.....or gave me a hug or a gentle pat on the shoulder. It was amazing how it made the intensity of pain lessen. She was so right....that the simplest gesture can be of such tremendous comfort.

Just this week, I got a completely unexpected note in the mail. I opened it and in it found a card with a token that represented a "hug". I just burst into tears by this very gracious and kind gesture that translated volumes to me. Comfort can be in some of the simplest forms.....yet equally as effective.

Thank you Kim....this class was such a lift to me....and it just felt natural to share this wonderful teacher's wisdom.

 

Self check question when dealing with grief. The instructor highlighted this as a daily check to open the door to allow healing:


"Will you let the love you shared make you a better person, or will you allow the loss of it to destroy you? Which would respect and glorify the relationship that is no longer of this world?"

 

Such a simple question with such an obvious answer, but... There is always a but, isn't there? I believe we can only answer this question truthfully depending on time. Time is a great healer. I've asked this question of myself several times and finally learned not to beat myself up about it if I couldn't pick the obvious answer. When we are ready, the choice is not difficult.

 

Hi Ceeka, thank you for your kind words. I've been thinking about my family member, and your dad and Tess' dad (and for what it's worth the family member I speak of is my dad, as I brought him up in the past). I was thinking, there seem to be some commonalities between them. You mentioned above that you wondered what caused your dad to be that way, and I've often wondered that same question. Having said that, I think I have an explanation. Please forgive me if I'm not describing your dad accurately. You posed the question, which actually made me think about it. My intent is to give us food for thought...

The one thing I think is common with those types of people is that they have an immense amount of pride--the sinful kind of pride. They overestimate (and take for granted) the value of their possessions, actions, and wisdom (to name a few), and they are so proud of themselves that when they encounter anything "not as good"--they have to be so opinionated about it and impose their way on you.

The opposite of pride is humility....

I want to thank you and everybody else again.

 

....taken from my notes and handouts in the class.

"Using the Holidays to Heal""Grief effects the whole person....spiritually, physically and emotionally. It's important to accept grief....surrender to the reality of it."


continued from post #27 in this thread.

7. Watch out for over indulgences: Too much food, alcohol, or excessive spending can be a sign of avoiding grief. A glass of wine from time to time may be relaxing , but too much can be unhealthy. Try to maintain moderation and balance. Watch for those gradual increases.

8. Be with a friend or friends who will let you grieve the way you wish and who have your best interest at heart: A trusted friend who is there for you is priceless. As Doug Manning, a noted grief specialist, says, "a good friend is one who hangs around, hugs you and hushes."

9. Find way to rest and grieve during the holidays: Do things that bring peace and quiet. Find a favorite place in a garden, park, sanctuary or home. Reflect on nature, memories or beliefs. Allow yourself to feel the what the holidays represent to you and connect with your spirituality.

 

sending you hugs and prayers to all this holiday season

xoxox

 

What Aladdin said.