Dealing with grief during the holidays

I mentioned elsewhere that I attended a grief seminar last Sunday. I was not sure what to expect, but was comforted to see a wide range of reason's for saddness and grief during the holidays...not just the recent loss of a loved one.

So much has occured in my life that has changed the way I do things. I'm grieving the loss and change of many things surrounding my family.

I thought it might be good to share thoughts and feelings on saddness, depression and/or grief that some of us experience this time of year. In addition to the many changes some of us have dealt with just with MM alone, the added stress of other external problems during the holidays can sometimes be overwhelming.

Does anyone else struggle with this? And how do you cope?

(I'll get out my notes from class and share them when I get my new keyboard later!)

 

I would be interested in finding out what they have to say about dealing with grief during the holidays. This will be my first Christmas without my husband at home. Financial and emotional pressures are almost too much to bear at times.
I need to be strong for my son but I feel that I am failing him miserably.

 

Buffie...one thing that stood out in the class was the message to be easy on ourselves. "Guilt" is the number one emotion people deal with when grieving. The counselor said with a tad bit of levity that this is a time when it's "ok" to be crazy! Boy, can I relate to that statement.

She started out asking everyone to name an emotion they were dealing with. Some were:

Anger
Confusion
Depression
Dispair
Emptiness
Hopelessness
Others?...

 

Frustration
Embarrasment
Fear
Loss
Lonliness
Humiliation
Pain
Sorrow
Mourning
Should I keep going?

 

a common mistake is to assign time limits to grief. Grief needs as much time as necessary. It is a personal experience, deeply personal. i.e., I still grieve the my divorce even tho it has been many years. Dear Wife understands because it is not about her. It is about a dream that was shattered and that is a sad sad thing. I sure helps that another dream came true i the person of Dear Wife, but that is a cause for celebration and not grief - never will be.
Grief gets is own time and its own energy. There is a natural course to it and no one can say what it is other than to grieve as long as is necessary. By doing that we let go a bit at a time until one day the grief is less than it once was.

 

My biggest grief is not having the family around like we use to. It seems they have mosty gone off in different directions pretty much all the time. There are old friends I no longer see, I sometimes wonder if moving here was the best idea? We have some family here but we left alot of older people who I was very close to. I love the beauty here so much though, but I am a people person. As much as I didn't like the weather up north, I could see myself returning maybe one day if my daughter had children. My biggest fear is being alone, I would not do well like some women I know who have adjusted to it and even thrive.

 

Every year, at this time, I find myself trying to re-create the Christmas I had as a child. My mother always showed her best side during the holidays. She was a bundle of energy and chopped down trees to make our outside nativity scene. She baked, non-stop from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Many relatives dropped by and our Christmas eve always had 15 or so people celebrating.

I know I can't have that back but I long for it. I'm very envious of people who have kids, grandkids, and other family to share their love. Sometimes I find myself wondering what will become of me when I'm old. I wonder if Steve will still be with me. I wonder if any of my neices and nephews will move close to me.

I miss my mother, my father, and my other relatives who have passed. I miss the children I chose not to have.

 

Yes. This will be the first Christmas I will not be surrounded by my family too. My 2 younger children will spend Christmas with their dad and his family. Thankfully, my brother and his wife have graciously invited my oldest daughter and me to their home for the holidays. It will still be difficult but it sure beats sitting in an empty house Christmas day.

Growing up my dad would not allow us to celebrate Christmas. He thought the whole thing was nothing but cr@p. He felt it was a man made celebration to brainwash people into thinking that they must show love to each other but that really it was made to get people to spend a bunch of money they didn't have. He always said, "if Christmas is such a great time. Why do so many people kill themselves?" I guess I can see his point to some degree now but I would not give up the 17 wonderful Christmases I had before this one to spare me from having an unpleasant one, even if it meant spending the day sitting at home by myself. If anything, it makes me realize that I should be more aware of what people are doing for the holidays so I can pay-forward the kindness my brother is showing me.

Tess, Thank you sharing some of your seminar info with us. I have been dealing with a lot of guilt over our kitty's passing. Ideas keep popping into my head like what if it was my fault because... or maybe I should have.... It's good to know that this is just part of the grieving process.

 

Kim,

You will always be my family, You would never have to worry about being alone with me on this earth. :-*

 

Charisse......I miss all the "elders" too!

Kim....I love Charisse's answer to you! I don't think you will ever be alone. Finding new "family" is on the list of positive things to look forward to in this transition. I have friends that are definitely my new "family". When I think of them, I tend to lose that feeling of being 'alone'. They are truthfully a great comfort to me.

Buffie...YES! Keep going! That's a great list....and a very healthy one.

 

.

 

Diane.....nothing speaks more clearly than experience. Your words are very powerful. Thank you for expressing a very profound way of looking at grief. I agree....avoiding it is not possible....allowing it to happen is very healthy. You have such a well of strength that is encouraging to me....and I'm sure to others. I am always so appreciative of your wisdom.

 

Excellent, Pardonme. I also think once we accept grief we remember the fun loving times of the past.

 

Diane -

You really should be a therapist, you really know just the right way to get through to the soul of a person in need. You are fabulously raw and open but in such a kind gentle way, you are a healer. I'm glad i found you on this forum. For all the grief youv'e been through and to be able to speak so real from the heart and touch so many of us with your wonderful "self", is a gift. I remember your "warrior" PM you sent me when i was grieving the loss of my "self" to this disease, it was powerful and it worked. I still carry it with me. I thank you for being you.

pamela

 

I don't know how to respond to this thread. In my life, I know there's a lot of grief that's perpetuated by the family scrooge who takes holidays as opportunities to look for spiritual battles and spend that holiday doing work around the house, trying to convince everyone else who does care, of how pleasant it is to stay away from people and be independent to do your own thing. It pains me very much to think of this. The best I can hope for is to look up to Jesus and the example of others who could handle that kind of grief much better than I could, and come out of it knowing that the battles and trials that were handled appropriately by those on the receiving end of things would actually strengthen their relationship with God.

Nowadays what happens is that we may meet on the exact day of the holiday for an afternoon, while other family members go to other people's houses and we go home to do some BS in the evening. If we meet before or after the actual day, then during the day of the holiday it's time for slave driving.

It makes me beyond sick. I better stop here before I blow up. :/

 

.

 

This thread actually made me feel worse to be honest. The reason is, I don't like to be reminded of these things, although it seems like some people are getting help from it, and that's perfectly fine and it's the intent. I know I'm not unique in this situation. The problem is I'm typically more sensitive than the average person when it comes to dealing with this, as you can probably tell. My family members even would agree with that statement. The history I have with grief with certain family members is something I've historically been very very sensitive to.

I'm working on it. One of the things I'm working on is not entering into the hostilities of the instigator. As a friend of mine once said, if someone has a problem with you, it's their problem, not yours. Kind of hard to keep that in perspective when battle and condemnation ensues at every waking moment interacting with that person. There's maybe a few minutes to a half hour max when there's not a battle raging, which is amplified in the holidays. I'd go as far as saying that there's a history of abuse in my family, so naturally I'd be very sensitive to this kind of thing.

Sorry if I'm overreacting but this reaction actually makes me feel better. That's kind of the point of the thread, right? lol.

 

With Christmas approaching my husband and I are having to deal with the loss of his mother and sister (both passed away July 2005 one week apart) all over again. We understood the first Holidays and Birthdays without them would be difficult and the following ones would be less painful (for us this is not so). We are finding it hard to stir up an enthusiasm for the holiday.

We decided we can't shut ourselves up and mourn all over again. For the sake of the grandchildren we need to make an effort for them. Family was everything to my mother-in-law. It would honour her memory best for all of us to continue with the family re-union Christmas lunch. We have already said yes to attend and there are some plans being made this year. Maybe getting together in more happier circumstances with other family might help us all heal and get over our grief sooner.

Thanks for the comments everyone has made on this topic it has been helpful for me. Just to know that I'm not alone in suffering this kind of sorrow helps.

Moe I hope with time that your grief dissapates so that the ache will not be so deep that it overwhelms you so much. None of us forget or completely get over our loss and sorrow but I hope it won't so intense each time you are reminded of the ones you are grieving.

Regards
Milica

 

I see grief as a feeling of missing someone or something or someplace that you no longer have physical access to. I don't think that empty spot ever gets filled and many of us try real hard to fill it with addictions and compulsions or things to do or anything that involves running away from it.

I think it just stays there and somehow you learn to live with it and make friends with it so that it doesn't block you but it never really goes away. We can revisit it if we need to, examine it when we want to or simply sit still with it.
I've never understood the concept of moving on. It implies leaving something behind. I think that we never truly leave anything behind. All those memories and feelings and experiences accompany us wherever we are and I guess for this reason grief work is something we need to do periodically, not just after loss has struck us.